Trent Horn discusses whether someone whose spouse civilly divorces him must stay celibate for the rest of his life, emphasizing the full weight and import of what a marriage really means.
Transcript:
Host: Trent, we now go to Anonymous in Columbus, Ohio listening on 820 AM. Anonymous, you are on with Trent Horn, what do you object to in Catholic morality?
Caller: Greetings. If a Catholic couple marries and gets a civil divorce, and one of the partners marries, the other partner in the valid marriage is expected to be celibate until either their partner dies or comes back to them, is that correct?
Trent: Well Anonymous, what the Church teaches is essentially what Jesus taught in the Gospels when Jesus was asked about divorce. And what Jesus said was this: he said in Mark chapter 10, he said that when man and woman are joined together as husband and wife, in Mark 10, he says the two shall become one, so they are no longer two but one. Mark 10:9, he says, “What therefore God has joined together, let not man put asunder,” and then Jesus reiterates and says, “Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery against her.”
So the Church teaches what Jesus taught, that marriage is the lifelong union of a man and woman, and if one partner in a marriage initiates divorce and leaves, that marriage is still valid, they’re still married, even if they’re civilly divorced, because no one can dissolve that marriage–let man not put asunder what God has joined. Only death can dissolve that, if it is a valid marriage between two people, especially in Christian circumstances, two baptized Christians. So remarriage would constitute adultery in that case, provided that the previous marriage was valid.
So that would be the Church’s teaching…was that just–you just had a question about this, or did you have a personal–
Caller: No, my question wasn’t on the divorce part, my question was on the partner that remains. The other partner is not expected to enter into a conjugal relationship with anyone else, unless his or her spouse dies, is that correct?
Trent: If they have a valid marriage–
Caller: Yes, they have a valid marriage. So they remain celibate for the rest of their life?
Trent: For their life or the life of the other spouse, they would be–by celibate, celibate’s not the same thing as engaging in sexual relations–that’s being incontinent–but they would not be permitted to marry, because they are still married to that other person even though they’ve undergone a civil divorce. And I want to continue the the conversation with you, Anonymous. I know this is a hard teaching for people to accept. I fully appreciate that, and I’m encouraged to have a conversation more about that. Do you feel, now that you have clarification, this is a teaching you don’t accept? Is that where you’re coming from?
Caller: Well, if the person has sex, is the other person, you know, didn’t marry again, has sex are they committing adultery?
Trent: Yes, they would be. Well–yes, they would, and also they would be having, yeah, they were having sex outside of marriage, whether it’s with a new spouse or just with somebody else. Yes, that’s what Jesus taught, yes.
Caller: Okay. Well…..you know, I just think that that… I’ve seen, I’ve experienced a friend of mine who went through that, and he was basically psychologically devastated. The divorce happened at 30, 31 years old–when he was 31, and he never really…I would think a lot of people who knew him, never recover from that. Because he was a devout Catholic, his family was devout, and he never could deal with the fact that he would be, seriously, you know, he would enter his sin and he could not be with anyone else, and that was for the rest of life.
Trent: Because his wife his wife divorced him?
Caller: And she remarried. She was not coming back. So he’s expected, as a young man, not to ever be with anyone else for the rest of his life as a Catholic?
Trent: But it’s interesting, though, when he entered into the marriage with her, he promised and understood he would never be with anyone else but her, right?
Caller: Correct.
Trent: Okay. So I mean, he already was of the mindset, “I’ll never be with anyone else but my wife,” but now a circumstance has arisen where he cannot be with his wife because his wife has left him. And what I would say, Anonymous, is that there’s not an easy answer I can give to situations like these, except that in this life, through things like sin, and even just being mortal and being in this life, God gives each of us different crosses to bear. And some of us He’s given very heavy crosses.
Take, for example, in marriage, there are cases where two people marry, and shortly after their marriage, one of them becomes sick or in an accident, suddenly becomes incapable of engaging in sexual relations anymore. This happens to people. And so, you know, and this is something, I’ve known other people who–their wives, you know, have complications from childbirth, and, you know, they are–they can have sexual relations, but they have to be very very very careful about it, and they engage in long periods of abstinence.
So we get different crosses that are placed on us in this life, and the question’s gonna be: What are we going to choose? Are we going to choose saying, “God, through this other person’s sin, my spouse has left me, they’ve hurt me and I am hurting,” are we going to choose, “I want to go my way and choose this sin. I have a right to because I was sinned against,” or will we say, “God, I’ve seen the ugliness of sin, I’m not going to answer sin with sin, I’m gonna answer it with grace, and I’m just, I’m asking for you to help me here.”
So do you see that I can’t give an easy answer, but I can give a short answer, which is, when we are sinned against, God calls us to respond with grace, not more sin. And he can give us the grace to do that. So do you at least see where I’m coming from, Anonymous?
Caller: I believe I can get an understanding with more study of what you mean.
Trent: Okay, well that’s a start. So definitely thank you for for calling on that, and keep that in mind, that for–I think it’s hard for people…in our day and age, we don’t think–it’s so tragic–we don’t think of marriage as being this lifelong bond that ONLY death can dissolve. We just don’t think of that, it’s just so hard. We live in a society where marriage is just basically a certificate and a fancy party in a white dress you say “Yes” to. And so that–if things “just aren’t working out,” we go somewhere else, but that was never God’s plan for marriage. What’s beautiful about God’s plan for marriage is that it’s sexually exclusive, lifelong, and two really become one, till death do them part, for their good and the good of any children that may proceed from their union.
So I’d also recommend a good book on marriage, might be “Good News About Sex and Marriage” by Christopher West, if you want to look at further study, but I am grateful that you called, and keep listening, and maybe we’ll have you back on another show as you read more if you have more questions.