I play pinochle weekly with the pastor of St. Maurice Church, Father Chuck, but, as he had never asked me for my opinion about anything before, I confess he caught me by surprise.
I admit I’m always quoting from This Rock to Father Chuck (or just plain “Chuck” if you prefer), mainly to aggravate him so as to get an edge in the card game. So I guess he thought it only fair to turn the tables and ask me what This Rock would have to say about a new and vexing parish problem that has come up recently. This problem has him thoroughly befuddled.
Here is how he explained it to me. It seems that Chuck, with the support of his parish advisors, had run an advertisement in the local secular press to encourage the “unchurched” to become members of our parish. What the ad conveyed, among other powerful things, was the message that, because Jesus had welcomed sinners, all would be welcomed at St. Maurice — “regardless of lifestyle.”
The ad generated quite a response, especially with respect to the part about “lifestyle.” Some parishioners, “chronic complainers and Pharisees” according to Chuck, expressed a lack of appreciation for the ad’s message of welcome. But what the pastor and his advisors are perplexed about are the letters of agreement and support. I have permission to present some of these to the readers of This Rock to see what they might advise.
Dear Father Chuck,
I am delighted to learn that my “style of life” will be no bar to membership in your church. You see, I am a leader in the child pornography industry, and my Lutheran minister is always after me to get into what he calls a “decent” business. He’s very judgmental. After I’m established in your parish, I would like to volunteer as a CCD instructor. Primary grades, preferably.
Yours happily,
Daniel (“Dirty Dan”) Deere
Dear Padre Charles,
I am ready to bring myself and my entire congregation of 150 worshipers into your parish. This will be done if you assure me that you truly mean that lifestyle is no bar to membership and that you are anxious to welcome sinners. We are sinners in a big way, worshiping our master, Satan, with immense pomp and ceremony and expressing our fealty to him in every possible manner. Oh — any objection if we use your church on Wednesday nights for our weekly rite of animal sacrifice? We promise to leave the sanctuary tidy, just as we find it.
Fervently yours,
Thurgood Pfouts
My Dear Chuck,
I will drop in at the rectory to sign my husband and myself on as members. We like the part where you say you accept all lifestyles. Our lifestyle is one of ostentatious and conspicuous consumption. There are occasions (infrequent) when we need a membership at a church to impress certain people who think religion is important. I hope you understand that, as we spend every cent we get on cars and things, we will not be contributing anything to the collection plate. Our lifestyle forbids it.
Yours awfully,
Heddy Burston-Spaniels
Dear Pastor of St. Maurice:
My friends and I spend most of our free time blitzed on cocaine and other recreational drugs. We think that participating in your Eucharistic rituals while we are totally stoned would be cool beyond belief. So, here we come, lifestyle and all, seeking the ultimate trip and looking for new friends to lean on. We also sell drugs, so we will be attending your social functions for that purpose. When is teen night?
Totally yours,
Buzzy Sinclair
Dear Reverend Chuck,
At last! It is about time a so-called Christian church declared itself broad-minded enough to accept alternative lifestyles. We nudists often have wondered how our personal lifestyle came to be universally and unjustly barred from public worship. Look for us to start attending your services regularly (you’ll have no trouble recognizing members of our group). One question: Are ladies still required to have their heads covered during Mass?
Yours naturally,
Liz (“Sunny”) McNabb
That should give a fair sampling of the responses. I’ve skipped over some items. The parish received a noisy letter from a trigger-happy neo-Nazi skinhead and a rather officious-sounding note from the local branch of the Ku Klux Klan, but there’s no reason to multiply the examples. You see the problem.
Now, any advice readers might have for Chuck and the good people of St. Moe (as they affectionately call their parish) will be very much appreciated. I hope the editors will permit opinions to be sent to us in care of This Rock.
Me? The only advice I had for Father Chuck was that he had better let every new applicant join up. If he rejects anyone for lifestyle reasons, I told him he might be sued for false advertising.