The Perfect Wife

The role of wives has lately been a hot topic. In a debate with Trent Horn this month, Pearl Davis insisted, emphatically and in many different ways, that when it comes to marriage, “the risks outweigh the reward” because “most young women have no interest in being wives.” A couple of weeks later, Harrison Butker, three-time Super Bowl champion kicker for the Kansas City Chiefs, told the new graduates of Benedictine College that his wife’s “life truly started when she began living her vocation as a wife and as a mother.”

Pearl claims that modern women have so debased themselves that they’re unworthy to be wives at all. Butker, on the other end of the spectrum, exalts the vocation of wife and mother to the extent that “very online Catholic women” strongly objected. Clearly, there is a lot of emphasis today on “the perfect wife” and how to be her. God, in his wisdom, foresaw the complexities of our times and offers a beautiful proverb to help us envision just such a wife.

Proverbs 31:10-31 begins, “A good wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life.” The passage goes on to describe a woman who goes above and beyond in fulfilling all the needs of her home. She is strong and capable. She cares for all those in her household and extends help to the needy outside of it. This woman “enjoys the profit from her dealings” and is clothed in “fine linen and purple.” She is wise, generous, and lighthearted. Proverbs rapturously concludes, “Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Give her of the fruit of her hands, and let her works praise her in the gates.”

I have found that there often exists a stereotype in the Church that men control the money, and women control the home. We need not look beyond the popular social media #tradwife trend to see that many conservative Catholics don’t think women should have anything to do with finances. However, this biblical example shows us something quite different. The Proverbs 31 woman is continually buying, selling, and investing. She controls the money that goes in and out, and “the heart of her husband trusts in her.”

In our more modern times, the Proverbs 31 wife may have a job, or she may be simply an excellent steward and not wasteful with the money her husband brings in. Regardless of the exact way it plays out in particular cases, Scripture shows that a good wife brings her husband financial benefit. In other words, Proverbs doesn’t show us a simpering wife bossed about by her overbearing husband. Rather, we discover a strong, intelligent woman who has full control of her sphere and the respect of everyone in it.

The husband of this woman is busy with his own successes. Verses 23-24 tell us that “her husband is known in the gates, when he sits among the elders of the land.” He is free from all concerns at home and is therefore able to fulfill the utmost potential in his vocation. Harrison Butker expressed this aspect of marriage beautifully when he said, “I’m beyond blessed with the many talents God has given me, but it cannot be overstated that all of my success is made possible because a girl I met in band class back in middle school would convert to the faith, become my wife, and embrace one of the most important titles of all: homemaker.” In addition to mere anecdote, a recent study showed that the most likely person to be in the top 1 percent of earners globally is a married man with a stay-at-home wife.

We see that the man who has an excellent spouse experiences financial favor, but more importantly, he finds someone of great virtue. Proverbs 31 describes a woman who is strong, hardworking, generous, and wise. She is trustworthy because she fears the Lord. This woman blesses everyone around her. She cares for the needy, she pays her workers well, her children “rise up and call her blessed,” and her husband is empowered to greater levels of success and virtue in his own life.

Men, if you desire a good wife, then look for someone you can trust. Worry less about her fleeting charm and more about her ability to manage your affairs and raise your children. Marry a woman who will work hard and enjoy the good things in life—a woman who can “laugh at the time to come.”

Proverbs does line up with Pearl’s point that the wife of noble character is difficult to find. But where she may suggest that you reject all candidates who don’t display such desirable traits, I would encourage you instead to look for the woman who has the potential and intent to be a Proverbs 31 wife. Then, when you find her, you’ll need to be prepared to graciously lead her deeper into this version of womanhood.

Women, if you are looking for a happy marriage, then find someone who is willing to trust you. God calls us to submit to our husbands, but he also empowers us to choose the man worthy of that lifelong submission. Don’t underestimate the potential hazards of choosing a man who seems determined to micromanage your decisions. The Proverbs 31 wife is worthy of trust, and she is trusted. Your marriage will need both of those, and a good man will eagerly give you his part of the equation.

A healthy marriage should enable both spouses to live into the fullness of what God intended when he decided that man needed a helper. So above all, for both sexes, seek someone who will help you grow in virtue and attain sainthood, for this is the ultimate purpose of our journey here on earth. If you found yourself bristling at the opinions offered by Pearl and Butker, turn instead to the timeless proverbs of God, and you’ll find the wisdom to navigate this noble vocation of womanhood.