In a lengthy X post, Malcom in the Middle actor Frankie Muniz recently announced that he was getting divorced:
As a child of divorced parents, I will not be fooled by these sweet sentiments. No pretty picture painted of a peaceful separation could hide the utter selfishness of most divorces.
I know this reality firsthand. It doesn’t matter how “stable” the divorce arrangement seems; divorce is inherently unstable. It robs children of their right to a present mother and father. And it’s always accompanied by major life changes that young children do not have the capacity to process.
After divorce, mothers must often move to a different neighborhood, to a smaller living space. Their household income is cut, and they are more likely to be in poverty. This means having to work more and be away from their kids to support their family.
So not only do children of divorcees need to adjust to the absence of one of their parents, but now both are hardly home. They have a new place. New neighbors. Perhaps a new school. Their friends may be gone, too.
And if their parents decide to remarry? Now they are navigating a new mom or dad figure and potentially new siblings. The likelihood that this marriage will also fail is higher, and perhaps they will have to endure yet another divorce, perpetuating the cycle of instability.
The effects of this instability are not negligible. Children victimized by divorce have a higher risk of mental health disease, are more likely to die early and be incarcerated, and are more likely to be teen parents and neglect earning a college degree. They are also more likely to continue the cycle of divorce in their own marriages.
Beyond this, the idea that children will only suffer the loss of their parent’s marriage once—during the divorce—is gravely mistaken. The wounds of divorce endure throughout a child’s life even if their parents ended things on “good terms.”
These wounds show up in the stress of having to quickly pack up your belongings to trade houses for the week, and in the inevitable and frustrating miscommunications that come with living in two separate homes. They show up every time you go over to a friend’s house and see the peaceful marriage in her family, realizing that not everyone has to live the same way you’re forced to.
They persist in adulthood, when you begin to navigate romantic relationships of your own, and have to overcome the deep-seated fears of commitment and abandonment. They show up every Thanksgiving and Christmas when you have to decide whose house you will be at, and which parent you will inevitably disappoint. And they’ll be torn open when you begin to have children of your own and wonder how anyone could put their child through divorce.
The belief that a child will be better off in these circumstances, as many divorcees convince themselves, is absurd. It is merely a lie told to justify selfish behavior.
This is not to say being selfless and having a good marriage is easy. It is far from easy. But when most people list solvable issues as the reason for their divorce, it’s clear most have taken the easy route instead of taking the longer, more rigorous path of healing their marriage through counseling and lots of patience. Those who don’t want to take this path should not take the vow.
It is especially egregious when parents like Muniz admit they are “good friends” with their spouse, but still conclude that it’s best not to remain married. This stands as an open acknowledgment that they could have made it work, but chose not to, all at the expense of their child’s stability and well-being. And no sweet tribute or flowery X post could ever cover up the wickedness of this.