Catholic young adults have never had more ways to meet a potential spouse. There are dating apps, speed-dating events, conferences, mixers, matchmaking coaches, and even organizations that now advertise the successful marriages they’ve inadvertently orchestrated.
And yet, the National Catholic Register recently published an article on how many young Catholic men and women are struggling to connect. The article pinpointed something most young adult Catholics have experienced firsthand: dating feels like a “future spouse” interview. Women feel scrutinized, men feel misunderstood, and everyone seems to be carrying around a secret checklist of must-have and deal-breaker attributes.
It’s no wonder many young Catholics are lonelier and struggling more to connect than ever.
Part of the problem is that we’ve become obsessed with the idea of marriage while simultaneously neglecting the kinds of relationships that make successful marriages possible.
Somewhere along the way, many Catholics began viewing every single interaction with the opposite sex through a dating lens. Every conversation becomes a possibility. Every social event becomes an opportunity. Every new face is evaluated as a potential spouse. Some have even convinced themselves that prolonged eye contact is a sign from God that this person is their future spouse, instead of what it probably is: basic human acknowledgement.
Instead of getting to know one another as brothers and sisters in Christ, we assess: Could this person be “the one”? Would I marry him or her? Could she be the mother, or could he be the father of my future children?
And then there’s the LARPing…
The cringey theatrical performance of “traditional” marriage that has taken over a large group of young adult Catholics. Everyone wants a traditional spouse, a traditional family, a traditional home, and a traditional marriage. People are entitled to their preferences, of course—but a lot of what passes for “traditional” today seems to be cobbled together from ultra-patriarchal online apologists and a vague idealization of the 1950s.
Some men want a wife who submits, stays home, dresses femininely, raises a small village of children, mills her own flour, and never questions their authority. Meanwhile, the same man works a remote finance job, answers emails for a living, and thinks paying rent makes him the lord of the manor. (He doesn’t tend livestock, or manage the estate passed down by his father, or fight in war. He uses Microsoft Teams.)
Women are certainly not immune to fantasy either! We build our own imaginary husbands: perfectly masculine, “in touch with his feelings,” wealthy, spiritually mature, attractive, communicates with the efficiency of an AI Chatbot, and has an intense prayer life…and somehow available at the Theology on Tap this Thursday night. But obviously, finding all these traits in one person is relatively rare, and takes time.
This is not to say that traditional family life is bad. It isn’t. Marriage is good. Motherhood is good. Fatherhood is good. Sacrifice is good.
But LARPing and cosplay are not the same thing as virtue. A husband is called to sacrificial leadership, not domination. He is called to serve and love his wife, not boss her around like a “smart teenager.”
Similarly, a wife is called to self-giving love, not simply to curate a beautiful life, secure a permanent best friend, or maximize earthly pleasures. Marriage is not just companionship with a ring on it. It is a vocation ordered toward sanctification and salvation.
Ultimately, everyone is looking for a spouse. But far fewer people are asking whether they are becoming the kind of person who can actually love a spouse well, or be loved by one—the one question worth reflecting on to prepare for marriage.
Instead, many Catholics are preparing for an imagined marriage. They’re looking for a character who fits the script they already wrote; someone who fits their plan and won’t require them to grow much or change. The National Catholic Register article agrees: many young Catholics think they know exactly what they want, but they don’t always understand what marriage is really for.
This confusion has consequences. After years of hearing secular culture mock marriage as oppressive or unnecessary, many Catholics have swung in the opposite direction. They want marriage badly, but the desire itself may not be ordered properly. So instead of learning how to love another person well, they scan every possible suitor for signs that this person can deliver the life they have imagined—or for ways this person will fail to.
Marriage is a beautiful vocation. But it was never meant to be an idol or a self-centered pursuit. Paradoxically, only when we stop obsessing over finding the perfect spouse and start pursuing Christ, friendship, virtue, and community, will we become far more capable of forming the sincere relationships that healthy marriage requires.