The Counsel of Trent Is Rebranding

Today I’m announcing a rebranding of the Council of Trent. We are now going to be called the Council of Trent, C-O-U-N-C-I-O. And as far as I’m concerned, it’s the year 1546, not some fantastical future year like 2026. Now, let’s get on with the important issues at hand here in 1546. First, I am still unconvinced that there are giant lobsters threatening our brave sailors at sea. Now, I appreciate Sebastian Munster’s maps of the world, but that doesn’t mean I have to take everything in them literally, including the sea monsters. Second, I am open to the existence of a race of creatures who have the body of a man and the head of a dog. I’m not going to say they definitely do exist though. Now, some of you say, well, humans are the only rational creatures, and that may be true. But if we discovered other rational creatures, it would not disprove our faith.

(00:51)
Although maybe the dogheads are just misshapen human beings, which is something even the great Saint Augustine postulated in his work, City of God. Some schismatics in the East even say that St. Christopher was a doghead, though I think they might have mixed him up being from Canaan with the Canines. And also, can you please be charitable in your engagement with the work of my colleague, James Vacan, the Earl of the Bazaar? He has put forward intriguing theories about whether one could marry a doghead. Next, I’m asking people to please give the council a chance. The Council of Trent, great name, by the way. It’s just started, and some of you won’t even give the council a chance. Yes, I know the decree on scripture is a tad ambiguous because the first draft said that part of revelation is found in scripture. But now it just says revelation is found in written and unwritten tradition, but the council doesn’t say how much it is found in either of those things.

(01:48)
But look, the Holy Spirit guides the Catholic church in these matters and the council fathers are free to leave some issues open even as they settle other issues. And the church has just decreed the Protestant cannon is heretical. I can’t wait to see what that scalpy limmer Martin Luther has to say. I mean, I can’t believe he threatened to throw the letter of St. James into the fire because it teaches a man is not justified by faith alone. Perhaps he was jesting, one certainly hopes, but I, for one, can’t wait to see the look on the face of that cur when he sees what the Holy Fathers have said at the council. Wait, hold on. Martin Luther is dead. Died three months ago. Now you’d think with the new printing press, word would’ve gotten around a lot sooner, but still, in any case, pray for his soul.

(02:36)
Finally, I have a special word about the calendar. The current Julian calendar has caused us to lose 12 minutes a year because it overestimated the length of the solar year. Now we’re at least nine days behind and something’s got to be done about it. I support the recent proposal to adopt a new calendar and to start the new year on January 1st rather than April 1st as it’s currently celebrated. After all, Janice is the Roman God of new beginnings, and why not make this a new beginning for a vastly superior calendar? Perhaps we will have a Pope in the future who’ll have the wherewithal to do what must be done. And even if some people don’t get the news and they celebrate the new year on April 1st anyways, well, I say we play a delightful prank on those little April fools, let’s say you.

(03:25)
All right, that’s all for this episode of the Council of Trent. Our team will be off celebrating Holy Week and Easter Monday, so new episodes will return next Wednesday. Thank you all so much, and I hope you have a very blessed day.