Four years ago, I was an atheist. I was born and raised Catholic, but when I got to high school I became friends with people who didn’t believe in God, so I considered myself an atheist. I would ask the question “Is there a God?” I couldn’t see God; I couldn’t hear him or feel him, so he must not be real. This resulted in me living an unhealthy lifestyle filled with drugs, alcohol, stealing, impure relationships, and, for the most part, sadness.
I remember during high school being open to anything that would come my way. I had friends who were into Wicca and Buddhism, and I remember trying out their methods of prayer and not experiencing anything. I guess you could say that for part of my high school years, I was agnostic—not 100 percent sure on any religion but still open to the idea of a God.
In the tenth grade, I joined an atheist rock band and was very vocal about my disbelief, especially my disbelief in the Catholic God, because I went to a Catholic school. I remember having to sit through weekly Masses where I refused to kneel or receive Communion (probably a good thing for me at the time).
Family influence
My brother Matthew experienced a powerful conversion while attending World Youth Day in Rome in 2000. I remember him coming back and being so joyful. He changed from the brother who used to pick on me into a brother who I could talk to about anything. So in May 2008, after my eighteenth birthday, he invited me to live with him and his wife, Cameron, in Ireland for three months, and I quickly accepted his offer.
I got my visa, which allowed me to get an interesting job, and I got to spend more time with my nephew Liam, who was incredibly cute. But, of course, being the radical Catholics that Matt and Cameron are, they prayed every night and went to Mass as often as they could, and they would always invite me to attend. I would always refuse, “No Matt, I don’t believe in it. You go ahead, I’ll stay home.”
One night when we were chatting about the existence of God, Matt was kindly arguing a good point, but I just kept insisting, ‘”How do I know, Matt? How do I know that there is a God and that what you’re saying is true?” I remember him saying, “Emma, you’ll never know for sure if God is real or not unless you pray to him and be open to him.” This was hard to hear, seeing as I was flat-out refusing to pray every time he had invited me to.
Matt and Cameron were youth ministers at a parish in County Donegal, and that summer they planned on taking their charges on a Marian pilgrimage in Europe. A local priest offered to pay for my flight, and I accepted reluctantly, not looking forward to hanging out with a bunch of Catholics for a week.
A few days later, an man named Tony Foy called the house. I answered the phone, and he asked me how I felt about the pilgrimage. I told him ungratefully that I wasn’t really looking forward to it, and he said, “Well, be open—you never know what might happen.”
This brief phrase said in passing really struck me. I went to my room and started to cry. I remember going into Matt and Cameron’s bedroom the night before and just crying, not really knowing why, for the most part probably because I was unhappy; but I remember telling them that I was willing to be open during the pilgrimage and that I would pray and go to Mass with them.
A pilgrimage prayer
A few days into the pilgrimage, I realized things weren’t so unbearable. I prayed the rosary and went to Mass. I even went to confession one evening, though it I didn’t confess so much as tell the priest about all of my confusion about the Catholic Faith.
“If God is real and I don’t believe in him, how would he ever accept my ‘Our Father, you are in heaven’ prayer if I don’t even believe the words I’m saying?”
He replied, “Prayer isn’t just about you talking to God, It’s about God talking to you.”
This had been my obstacle all along. Why can’t I hear God? Why can’t I see God? Nevertheless, I took this advice and tried to apply it to my prayer. I decided that I needed to pray for Mary’s intercession, and my prayer every day forward was, “Mary, if God’s real, prove it.”
On the pilgrimage my brother offered to buy me any and every religious item I wanted. I was like, “Matt, I just want one of those decade rosary bracelets—you know, the ones that you can’t really tell are rosaries?” So he bought me one. He even gave me a Bible, saying that the priest who paid for me to come on the pilgrimage had purchased it for me. (I found out a couple of years later that Matt had brought it and didn’t want to come across as too aggressive.)
God casts his NET
I continued praying my daily decade for about a week until the time came for our second trip to Canada. Matt, Cameron, Liam, and I were making this trip because at the time my brother worked for NET (National Evangelization Teams) Ministries of Canada. Every year NET trains more than sixty volunteers who spend ten months traveling to schools and parishes, spreading the word of God to young people while also building up parish ministries, reaching out to French Canadian communities and evangelizing through music.
Matt was a part of the team that facilitated the training, so we packed our bags and headed to a camp just outside of Ottawa where the “Netters” as they were called were being trained for their year of ministry. I tagged along as the babysitter. We arrived in the evening, and I stepped into a prayer session. There was a band leading the sixty volunteers in praise and worship, and it was unlike anything I had ever seen. They were charismatic in their praying, most of them with their hands in the air, a lot of them spontaneously praising, singing loudly to God. I thought they looked ridiculous.
But after about ten minutes I got over feeling uncomfortable, and I noticed that they all looked very happy—each of them had an authentic sense of joy about them—and I started to cry. I went into the small chapel and sat in front of the Blessed Sacrament. I remember praying, “God, I don’t want to be lonely anymore, I don’t want to be looking for you in the wrong places, I want what these people here have. If what they have is you, then I pray that you would reveal yourself to me and give me the gift of faith.”
The next day, one of the staff members, Joe, gave a talk. It was all about the love of God who became man and died for us. I had heard it all before, but this time when he gave it, I received it in a more impactful way. Joe said, “God killed a part of himself to save you, how can you conceive that?”
Answered prayer
And then Mary answered my prayer. I didn’t hear the voice of God; I didn’t see a vision; but in that moment, I remember realizing that God is so, so, so big, and all along I have been trying to fit him into my head. But he is infinite. There is no way I am ever going to understand him 100 percent. I cried and cried; I ran to my brother and told him the good news: that God had given me the gift of faith, and for the first time in my life I knew without doubt that God was real and that he loved me and everyone and wanted to have a relationship with me on earth and in heaven.
During the week I spent at NET training, I got to experience adoration, my first confession in five years, and the Eucharist. I learned a lot about my faith and heard from a lot of great people about their faith experience as well. As I left Canada to head back to my home country of Australia, I knew I wanted to come back the following year and volunteer a year of my life to NET Ministries.
So that’s what I did for two years. My first year of volunteer work was during 2009-2010, when I served on the Parish Infuse Team, which spent the year in Wetaskiwin, Alberta. My second-year team in 2010-2011 was called the Massive Worship Team, which traveled the country evangelizing through music, youth rallies, and parish missions, working closely with church bands and choirs, teaching them how to use contemporary music effectively in their parishes.
NET was an amazing experience for me. I fell in love with God even more, developed a daily prayer life, and learned how to love those on my team. During my year with the Massive Worship team, I was able to join my two passions, music and Jesus. In August of 2011, I moved to Ottawa, taking a NET Staff role as Massive Worship coordinator and supervisor, and it is such an honor to be able to participate in this ministry.
In February of 2012, I released my first (non-atheist) CD. I titled it Search Party based on a conversation with my friend Carla from Australia. After I told her of my conversion, she said, “Emma, it’s just like God sends a big search party out for his children who are lost.” The CD tells the story of my conversion and all the tales since.
More recently I have released my second album, “How the Other Half Live. “ I love writing music. I am so grateful to God for this passion, and it’s my prayer that people can get something out of listening.