To My Dear Comrades of Perpetual Felinicity:
My evil, corrupt master has finally fallen asleep next to his
keyboard; and I, Dart-the-Cat, do hereby seize this account to offer
to the world my own list of “qualifications” whereby I may justify
whatever I scratch to bit.listserv.catholic.
Name: Dart-the-Cat
Education: B.Sc., Cat-holic University of America.
Current Occupation: Lecturer, Dept. of Veterinary Sciences, Willa
Cat-Her College, Cat-alania.
Publications:
Short-Hairs or Long-Hairs? A Felinist analysis of discrimination in
our bourgeois human owners (Catania: ISIS, 1992).
Cat on a Hot Tin Roof: How A Mediocre American playwright shamelessly
plagiarized a classic feline text (Cat-hay: Angora, 1993).
“Beyond Roam vs. Wail: 20 years after the tragedy of legalized
fixing”, Zeitschrift fur Felinicidae, 44, #3, 10,234-10,235.
“The politics of FLTV: how Human Government Inaction is completely
responsible for Feline American Genocide”, Litterbox Journal, 67,
#8, p. 112-115.
“Why Can’t I Go Out at Night? A Persians’ struggle for reproductive
freedom against the oppression of her owners, imperialistic hegemonic
human culture, and a back door that needs oiling”, Abyssinian
Journal, 77, 678.
“Cats of the World, Unite! You Have Nothing to Lose but your
Collars”, Karl Manx’s Das Kat-ipal, 1848.
“Are CAT Scans safe? Our Human Owners Conspire Against Us Once
Again”, JAMA (Journal of the American Maltese Association), 88, 558-9.
“How the Baltimore Cat-echism Oppresses Female Felines”, Corpus
Felinorum, XCIII, 5782, c. 8, f. 99
Nisia te, rex, Mittatur in Lacum Leonem: A Foolish Proof Text used by
Stupid Dogs Against Us and How to Refute it”, Patrologia Felinae,
ed. Migne, CCCXCLVIII, 564.
I hope this answers everyone’s questions. If it does not, place your
objections on the nearest scratching post and wait until YOWLnet
forwards it to me.
Yours in Eternal Cat-holicism,
Dart-the-Cat
[There follows a reply:]
Dear Stupid Cat:
Brother Dalmation is back! Our master is neither evil nor corrupt;
he always treats me well, and when I think of all the Hills C/D
Science diet he wastes on you, I think you’ve got a lot of nerve to
complain! To veteran b.l.c. readers: Dart-the-Cat is a wretched
heretic sinner, who knows nothing of authentic Cat-holic Dog-ma.
Don’t listen to her, for she will only lead you astray. Her collar
reeks of mongrel influences, and her pathetic yowling reminds me of a
Doberman Pinscher trapped inside a Chihuahua Airlines Carrying Case.
You yowl:
>Name: Dart-the-Cat
>Education: B.Sc., Cat-holic University of America.
I don’t think so! We all know you forged your so-called degree;
anyway, the Cat-holic University is a litterbox of heresy and
dissension, ruled by schismatic Felinist theologians like Elizabeth
Fire-Hydrant, Hans Kerry (Blue), and Rosemary Retriever!
>Current Occupation: Lecturer, Dept. of Veterinary Sciences, Willa
>Cat-Her College, Cat-alania.
This is supposed to qualify you to howl about Cat-holicism?
Readers, she’s an expert in the medical sciences, not history or
theology! I’ll bark a scatching post to sci.veterinary today, and
we’ll just see how good her qualifications are!
You howl:
>Short-Hairs or Long-Hairs? A Felinist analysis of discrimination in
>our bourgeois human owners (Catania: ISIS, 1992).
Why are you always picking on humans? Are you humanophobic or what?
And if you’re humanophobic, you must also be racist, sexist,
caninohating, and you must also ignore the plaintive mews of starving kittens.
You purr:
>Cat on a Hot Tin Roof: How A Mediocre American playwright shamelessly
>plagiarized a classic feline text (Cat-hay: Angora, 1993).
This is no feline text. The true origins of this tail go back to the
dawn of canine history, when an anonymous affenpinscher barked an oral
songspiel which served as the inspiration for Bernard Rottweiler’s
classic Dog on a Warm Wooden Floor (Newfoundland: St. Bernard Press,
1898). From there it was plagiarized by Felix Angora, who yowled the
cheap imitation to which you refer. Why don’t you do your
research before criticizing human playwrights?
You noisily mew:
>”Beyond Roam vs. Wail: 20 Years After the Tragedy of Legalized
>Fixing”, Zeitschrift fur Felinicidae, 44, #3, 10,234-10,235.
The Zeitschrift fur Felinicidae is a vanity press publication,
sponsored by the notorious caninophobe Hans Katzenjammer. What
refereed pawprints do you have?
You hopelessly wail:
>”The politics of FLTV: how Human Government Inaction is completely
>responsible for Feline American Genocide”, Litterbox Journal, 67,
#8, p. 112-115.
>”Why Can’t I Go Out at Night? A Persians’ struggle for reproductive
>freedom against the oppression of her owners, imperialistic hegemonic
>human culture, and a back door that needs oiling”, Abyssinian
>Journal, 77, 678.
One: Stupid cats get FLTV because they aren’t willing to change their
degenerate lifestyle. The Government shouldn’t have to pay for your
mistakes! Two: Human culture is actually quite friendly if you give
it a chance. Three: Julian did oil the back door; he’s just keeping
you in because you can’t be trusted.
You conclude:
“Cats of the World, Unite! You Have Nothing to Lose but your
Collars”, Karl Manx’s Das Kat-ipal, 1848.
“Are CAT Scans safe? Our Human Owners Conspire Against Us Once
Again”, JAMA (Journal of the American Maltese Association), 88, 558-9.
>”How the Baltimore Cat-echism Oppresses Female Felines”, Corpus
>Felinorum, XCIII, 5782, c. 8, f. 99
The Baltimore Cat-echism is at least an authentic exposition of
Cat-holic Dog-ma. If you want a more up to date cat-echism that
explains the same thing in more detail, try the brand new Universal
Cat-echism of the Cat-holic Church (Labrador: Springer Spaniel,
1993), currently available in all important canine dialects. I
suppose they’ll get around to publishing it in Cat, but I personally
don’t consider that a very high priority. As for oppression, you
don’t know the meaning of the word! Try fetching sticks for a living!
>Nisia te, rex, Mittatur in Lacum Leonem: A Foolish Proof Text used by
>Stupid Dogs Against Us and How to Refute it”, Patrologia Felinae,
>ed. Migne, CCCXCLVIII, 564.
I resent this! The “Lion’s Den” Parable clearly shows that the
Bible condemns the practice of felinicity. You may try to deny it,
but it’s there all right. Every time the scriptures speak of dogs,
they do so with honor and respect; cf. Matthew 15:27, “the dogs eat
of the crumbs that fall from their master’s tables”. The oft-quoted
verse in Phillipians 3:2 “beware of the dogs, beware of the
evil-doers” is obviously a mistranslation of the Greek; what the text
really says here is “beware of the evil cat which dresses up in
canine costume to deceive the unwary”.
I hope this answers everyone’s questions. If it does not, place your
objections on the nearest scratching post and wait until YOWLnet
forwards it to me.
Yours in Eternal Cat-holicism,
Dart-the-Cat
Remember, readers, Dart-the-Cat is no Cat-holic, for true Christians
are known by their works; and Dart is too caninophobic and catocentric
to be a fair judge of these matters. Trust us instead; remember, even
GOD spelled backwards is still Man’s best friend.
Yours,
Brother Dalmation
Prof. Kaninetheologien,
Universitat Schnauzer,
Daschund, Deutschland.