Last year, I wrote a piece for Catholic Answers called “How to Find a Husband.” Here is the belated companion piece for men who are looking for a good Catholic wife.
Much of the advice is the same: expand your social circle by attending both Catholic and not-necessarily-Catholic events that attract single adults, then challenge yourself to actually speak to at least one single woman at each social event. Have a “wing man” hold you accountable to this goal if needed.
However, I have some specific tips for men, too, based on what I liked when I was looking for a husband a couple of years ago, and what I heard from other women as I researched for my book, Pretty Good Catholic.
Many Catholic women complained that the devout Catholic men they met were . . . well, boring. They tended to have fewer hobbies and interests than non-Catholic men and didn’t joke or flirt as much. So you can take three concrete steps to make sure you stand out from the crowd.
1. Develop or rekindle some interests so that you’re well rounded. Ideally, you should do something physical that keeps you fit and doubles as a social activity, where you can meet women who share the interest. (I know a married couple who met through a casual Ultimate Frisbee group, and plenty of Catholic women love partner dancing!)
Intellectual and creative pursuits are great, too: play an instrument, learn a new language, or read some great works of literature. Basically, do things that women also do, so that you have something to talk about with them, and somewhere to take them on dates besides coffee or dinner. If you find that you and she are both into art, inviting her to a museum comes naturally.
If you’re using a dating app or website, showcase all these interests on your profile, via words and pictures, so women can really see who you are.
2. Lighten up a little bit! You should have a good prayer life and know your faith well, but you should be capable of talking about less serious things and joking around. Women love a man who can make them laugh, and they usually don’t love a man who obsesses over the finer points of the liturgy. Serious discussions about the Faith have their place, but these should come a little later. As a friend of mine says, “don’t mention the Fourth Lateran Council on a first date!”
3. Related: Learn the art of appropriate flirtation. That is, show a woman you are interested in her in a confident, yet playful and non-pushy way. Compliment her, tease her mildly in a way that makes her laugh (if you know her well enough to know she won’t be hurt), ask her questions about herself, and generally give her attention and observe how she responds.
If she’s responding well—laughing, smiling, keeping the conversation going rather than trying to find a polite exit—ask her out! Most Catholic men need to ask for dates more boldly and more quickly than they think they should. A matchmaker I know says that if you talk to a woman for more than ten minutes, you should ask for her number, and if you ask for her number, you should call her (yes, call!) within a few days to ask her for a date.
If this scares you a little, remember that a date doesn’t mean you have to commit to being her boyfriend and actively considering marriage right away. It’s just a chance to get to know her a little better, to see if you want to go on a second date, and so on. Step by step, you’ll learn more about her, and you’ll have plenty of time to decide whether to propose to her or not.
Every date can help you discern better who would make a good spouse for you and vice versa. Plus, dates are fun! Although we shouldn’t date just for fun, without thoughts of marriage, we should enjoy dates and see them as time well spent, regardless of whether the relationship continues. After all, getting to know another image of God is always a gift.
Once you’ve secured that first date, it’s your job to continue pursuing her for as long as you’re still interested. Keep planning thoughtful dates based on your shared interests, or trying new experiences together. Ask her questions about herself, progressing slowly from more surface-level topics to deeper things over the course of several months. When you’re more seriously interested in her (and no one else), ask her to be your girlfriend, and talk about what that means. Also, ask her before attempting any physical gestures. They might not do it in the movies, but saying, “May I kiss you?” is actually very romantic!
All these conversations take courage, but courage is attractive. Plus, they are good practice for your eventual proposal, and for many important discussions that will come up during marriage.
Being the one to initiate all these important steps in a relationship means risking rejection. On behalf of all women, thank you for being brave enough to risk rejection! All the times you heard “no” will be completely worth it when the right woman says “yes.”