Catholics are against divorce in theory, but not in practice. That sad truth has led to countless Catholic marriages and families shattered, causing a ripple effect of destruction through generations. Perhaps we find ourselves in this unhappy reality because we have not heard the following six things from the pulpit or the Catholic community for many long decades. Do you know these truths?
1. Divorce itself is a sin.
That’s right: divorce is a sin all on its own, whether or not an illicit “remarriage” follows. There has never been a time in Church history when divorce—defined as a spouse’s willing and express attempt to “break” the marital contract (CCC 3284)—has been morally permissible. Jesus himself forbids divorce when he responds to the Pharisees who test him on the issue:
Have you not read that he who made them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh”? So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man put asunder (Matt 19:4-6).
The words of St. Paul confirm the truth of Christ:
To the married I give charge, not I but the Lord, that the wife should not separate from her husband (but if she does, let her remain single or else be reconciled to her husband)—and that the husband should not divorce his wife” (1 Cor. 7:10-11).
And we have solid confirmation from the Catechism of the Catholic Church, which states, “Divorce is a grave offense against the natural law” (2384).
Consider those words carefully. The “natural law” is another name for God’s moral law, and a “grave offense” is one that is serious and deadly. So divorce is a sin of grave matter (not venial!), one that the Catechism tells us is “truly a plague” and that “divorce is immoral also because it introduces disorder into the family and society” and “brings grave harm to the deserted spouse [and] to children traumatized by the separation of their parents and often torn between them” (2385).
Remember, all these ominous passages and descriptions are speaking of divorce alone. But as grave as it is, the sin of divorce can be compounded.
2. Remarriage after divorce adds to the sin.
“Remarriage” after divorce (without annulment) is where most Catholics generally believe that the sin comes in. But, in fact, the civil remarriage after the sin of divorce is an additional sin: the deadly sin of adultery.
Jesus is crystal clear: “Everyone who divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery, and he who marries a woman divorced from her husband commits adultery” (Luke 16:18).
Paul comes in with the back-up: “[A] married woman is bound by law to her husband as long as he lives. . . . Accordingly, she will be called an adulteress if she lives with another man while her husband is alive” (Rom. 7:2-3).
The Catechism again confirms it for us:
Contracting a new union, even if it is recognized by civil law, adds to the gravity of the rupture: the remarried spouse is then in a situation of public and permanent adultery (2384, emphasis mine).
So divorce is the first sin, and “remarriage” (that is, adultery) is the second, exacerbating sin.
But wait—doesn’t the Church allow some divorce?
3. Civil divorce may be “tolerated” by the Church in rare cases, but never for the intent to end the marriage.
Most Catholics, ordained and lay, don’t realize that the Church allows civil divorce only if an innocent spouse needs legal protections that quite literally cannot be obtained by any other means. The Catechism puts it this way:
If civil divorce remains the only possible way of ensuring certain legal rights, the care of the children, or the protection of inheritance, it can be tolerated and does not constitute a moral offense (2383).
Why is it not a sin? Because in accessing the legal help according to the strict limits above, the spouse is not presuming or intending to break the marital contract (an impossibility anyway).
As I have written elsewhere, it’s a shame we can’t call this protective legal maneuver something other than “divorce” so that we don’t become confused. Thankfully, most states still offer legal separation instead of civil divorce, which provides the necessary legal protections while also affirming that the estranged husband and wife are still married—and cannot remarry. In those rare and difficult situations, Catholics should be recommending separation rather than civil divorce if possible.
Although the word “divorce” in the secular realm may be confusing or misleading, it’s simple to remember that no one may use the civil or family courts with the intent or belief that he is ending his marriage (he is not) and is now free to move on to the next romance (he is not).
What about “moving on” by getting an annulment, as everyone seems to do? Although it’s true that we have sadly cultivated a culture of reflexive annulment-seeking, you may be surprised by the following truth:
4. Physical separation is allowed for certain grave reasons, but in all cases, the hopeful expectation is for reconciliation.
The Church teaches that in cases of unrepentant adultery or “grave mental or physical danger,” physical separation of spouses is allowed with the bishop’s permission, but always with the hope of reconciliation. In fact, here is canon law, which is binding on the faithful: “In all cases, when the cause for the separation ceases, conjugal living must be restored” (1153, §§1-2).
This is not new, but universal, reaching back centuries. In 1880, Pope Leo XIII summarized the mind of the Church beautifully:
When, indeed, matters have come to such a pitch that it seems impossible for [spouses] to live together any longer, then the Church allows them to live apart, and strives at the same time to soften the evils of this separation by such remedies and helps as are suited to their condition; yet she never ceases to endeavor to bring about a reconciliation, and never despairs of doing so (Arcanum Divinae 41).
“Never” is a strong word, admitting no exceptions. Unlike the world, we Catholics are against divorce, and for marriage. Period.
So although physical separation is permitted for extreme cases, we should support spouses in their fidelity to their vow and pray for the day of reconciliation. If we Christians do not believe in redemption and miracles, then who are we?
This leads us to an unknown obligation….
5. Abandoned spouses are witnesses to marriage fidelity and must be supported by the Church.
A “stander” is a spouse who stays faithful to his vows, even after abandonment, separation, or civil divorce (and even if the stander is the one who had to physically separate due to dangerous circumstances).
St. John Paul II states in Familiaris Consortio that standers are witnesses for the Church. He states that too many of us today are “caught up in a culture that rejects the indissolubility of marriage and openly mocks the commitment of spouses to fidelity” and reminds us that it is “proper to recognize the value of the witness of those spouses who, even when abandoned by their partner, with the strength of faith and of Christian hope have not entered a new union: these spouses too give an authentic witness to fidelity, of which the world today has a great need. For this reason they must be encouraged and helped by the pastors and the faithful of the Church” (20).
Section 83 of Familiaris Consortio speaks of the “loneliness and difficulties” of standers and the need for the Church to give “much respect, solidarity, understanding and practical help, so that they can preserve their fidelity even in their difficult situation.” The pope goes on to laud “their example of fidelity and Christian consistency,” which “takes on particular value as a witness before the world and the Church.”
Let’s be honest: Do we Catholics encourage the abandoned husband or wife in this heroic stand? Or do we instead encourage the stander to “get an annulment” and find a shiny new romance, where he or she can be “happy”? Worse, do we—even the ordained and agents of the Church!—condescend to or shame those hidden martyrs for marriage when they don’t “move on,” as is expected today?
There are many saints and blesseds who stood for their difficult, and even disastrous, marriages. Holy ones like St. Rita, St. Monica, St. Helena, St. Catherine of Genoa, Bl. Elizabeth Canori Mora, St. Marie Marguerite d’Youville, St. Elizabeth of Portugal and many more gave the very witness that John Paul II talks about in his apostolic exhortation. Such a witness is not passé or old-fashioned; it is timeless, virtuous, and Catholic—the stuff that makes saints in every age. We must encourage those who take a lonely, Christ-like stand for marriage, not crush them in their efforts.
And by the way . . .
6. Wedding guests and official witnesses are to affirm the marriage, especially when trouble arises.
Were you ever taught that part of your obligation as a bridesmaid, groomsman, or guest to a wedding is to be a witness to the marriage for life, and specifically when things go wrong later on?
You were there when the couple made their sacred promises before God Almighty and the community of believers, so why are you helping them divorce and annul now? When trouble hits, or when divorce happens, your job is not to take sides in the battle to destroy that fragile family, but rather to stand for the marriage you witnessed, celebrated, and prayed for.
Canon law (1060) requires us to presume the validity of the marriage, and yet too often, when great suffering comes to our loved ones, our misguided sympathy or loyalty leads us to say, “Your marriage probably isn’t valid anyway. Why not go get your annulment?” But that is not our place to advise or adjudicate!
To pivot to “invalidity” when the cross comes, to advise your loved one to throw off that cross (while putting it on the backs of the vulnerable children), to tempt a suffering spouse toward divorce and annulment, and to aid the family in its disintegration is to have borne false witness on the couple’s wedding day, which is a violation of the Eighth Commandment. Help and support the parties involved, yes —especially the one abandoned or in danger—but do so while simultaneously standing for the marriage’s redemption, not its destruction.
In summary, we’ve had a few decades of amnesia when it comes to our obligations to defend marriage and family, but the grace of God can awaken us again. By learning, embracing, and passing on these six truths about divorce and troubled marriages, we Catholics can reorient the conversation, and ourselves, back to the mind and heart of the Church on marriage. If you need courage or motivation, simply remember the words of Sister Lucia of Fatima:
The final battle between the Lord and the kingdom of Satan will be about marriage and the family. Don’t be afraid . . . because whoever works for the sanctity of marriage and the family will always be fought against and opposed in every way, because this is the decisive issue. . . . Nevertheless, Our Lady has already crushed his head.