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F e a t u r e A r t i c l e
Buckethead Gets the Foot
By Russell L. Ford
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This Rock
Volume 9, Number 11
 November 1998 
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One of the most frustrating things to happen when teaching the catechism evangelistically is to have a well-meaning Fundamentalist butt in to try to save your student from the evil clutches of Rome. Because of Fundamentalism’s nature, Fundamentalists tend to be very aggressive. This can cause no end to problems when they are playing intellectual tug-of-war with you, using your student as the rope. Such Fundamentalists have to be dealt with charitably—despite an overwhelming desire to administer what Bubba calls baseball bat therapy.
It has been my experience that a conciliatory type of charity is actually a false charity when dealing with aggressive Fundamentalists. Due to their aggression, the best form of charity is actually the firm assertion that you will not permit them to confuse and frustrate your student with loud interruptions, tangents, or general chaos. Then you have to force the issue and stick to your guns.
When Bubba was learning the catechism, he had a lot of problems with Fundamentalists who wanted to save the irascible convict from both the Whore of Babylon and himself. While we studied Marian doctrine one day, Bubba and I had to deal with a particularly abrasive Fundamentalist named Foots. I have immortalized Bubba’s experience in a book I am writing called Buckethead Instructs Bubba (sort of a prison version of the classical Father Smith Instructs Jackson), and I present this excerpt to show you how to turn the tables on an aggressive Fundamentalist.
Bubba: Hey, Bucket.
Buckethead: Bubba! I’d about given up on you. What’s wrong?
Bubba: Aw, when Ah got back ta mah cell block yes’aday evenin’ ol’ Foots an’ his buddies went ta bad mouthin’ Cath’lick-ism an’ me fer takin’ lessons.
Buckethead: Does that bother you?
Bubba: Naw, but Ah thank Ah messed up.
Buckethead: How’s that?
Bubba: Ah got mad ’cause Ah couldn’t sprain what ya learnt me when they went ta raggin’ me, sos Ah tolt Foots he needed ta come on down here wi’ me. He said no, that he didn’t need ta hear this stuff. Ah got madder an’ called ’im a coward. Foots hates bein’ called a coward, sos he’s comin’ taday.
Buckethead: That’s fine. Where is he?
Bubba: He’s down thar prayin’ wi’ Junior Sims, Fuzz, C.J., an’ them others what he runs wi’. Said somethin’ ’bout puttin’ on armor afore comin’ up here ta deal wi’ Satan’s agent. Said he’d be here in a minit.
Foots: Ah’m rat cheer, rat now. Buckethead, Ah wants ta tawk ta ya ’bout the way ya draggin’ pore ol’ Bubba here off ta hell wi’ ya.
Buckethead: That’s pretty arrogant, isn’t it, Foots?
Foots: Whatcha mean?
Buckethead: Well, your stated intention implies that Bubba’s too stupid to know or understand what he’s doing.
Bubba: Yeah! It does, don’t it! Who d’ya thank ya is anyway? Foots, Ah oughtta put mah size ten off in yore . . .
Buckethead: Bubba! We don’t need violence, and I’ll not tolerate it in my cell. Foots is a reasonable person, so let’s reason with him. Okay?
Foots: Ah’m sorry, Bubba. Ah reckon it does sound a little bad. Ah jus’ don’t want ya goin’ ta hell.
Bubba: (Mumbles inaudibly.)
Buckethead: Foots, you’re welcome in my cell, but there will be a few ground rules. Otherwise you’ll have to leave.
Foots: Ah knew it! Yore scairt! Dem Cathtlick lies won’t stand up ta the light o’ God’s Word! Let’s hear yore rules.
Buckethead: This is Bubba’s time. He’s here to learn what the Catholic Church teaches. This isn’t a time for an emotionally laden debate over what you think the Church teaches, nor is it a bully pulpit for you to preach against the Church. This is Bubba’s time, so we’ll be fair to Bubba and give him the lesson he came to hear. There will be plenty for you to disagree with in this lesson, and I’ll be happy to debate with you. The operative word is "debate." As long as you want to debate the issues brought up in this lesson you’re welcome to stay; if you want to argue I’ll ask you to leave. If you don’t have any objections or disagreements with what is being said, just sit there and quietly listen. If you object or disagree, calmly state it and we’ll talk. Understand?
Foots: Ya gotta deal. Now let’s start wi’ this ’Maculate ’Ception thang. Da y’all . . .
Buckethead: Hello? Are you deaf or just rude? What part of the ground rules did you have trouble understanding?
Foots: (Grinning.) Ah understood it all, but ya cain’t blame a feller fer tryin’.
Buckethead: Yes, I can blame a fellow for trying. A man of honor would observe the rules of his host. Don’t come up here telling Bubba and me that you want to save Bubba’s soul and then resort to dishonor that is disrespectful to us and to God. I’ll give you a fair hearing on the issues in today’s lesson in due time, but yesterday’s lesson will have to be discussed between us at another time.
Foots: (Embarrassed.) Ya got me, Bucket. Ah’m sorry. Ah’ll stick to the rules.
Buckethead: Okay then. Let’s get started. You ready, Bubba?
Bubba: Yup. An’ Ah wanna do the openin’ prayer.
Buckethead: Great! Go ahead, Bubba.
Bubba: Dear God, thank ya fer lettin’ us meet an’ git the chance ta figger out yore truths. An’ bless Foots ta prepare him fer the verbal butt whuppin’ he is about ta receive!
Buckethead: Bubba!
Bubba: Amen.
Buckethead: Sorry, Foots.
Foots: S’okay, Buckethead. Bubba’s prayer works both ways, ya know.
Buckethead: We’ll see. Bubba, today we’ll look at the next articles of the creed, "I believe in Jesus Christ, his only Son, our Lord; who was conceived of the Holy Spirit, born of the Virgin Mary." Let’s start out by learning a new word: Incarnation. Do you think you can figure out what that means?
Bubba: Ah already know what it means, but Ah cain’t figger out fer the life o’ me what bein’ locked up has ta do wi’ Cathilick-ism.
Buckethead: Not incarceration, Bubba. Incarnation.
Bubba: Oh. Ah jus’ thought ya couldn’t pernounce the word. What’s this intarnation, er whate’er ya said?
Buckethead: Incarnation. It’s the word we assign to the greatest event ever to occur in human history. The Incarnation is when God became man. In other words, it’s when the Son of God became man to redeem us. Jesus’ very name means "Savior."
Bubba: What’s that word agin? Ah wanna write it down. Spell it fer me.
Buckethead: It’s Incarnation. I-N-C-A-R-N-A-T-I-O-N.
Bubba: Thankee.
Buckethead: Okay. Now, why is it that Jesus Christ is both true God and true man?
Bubba: Uh, Ah dunno. Ah reckon on accountta the Bobble says so.
Buckethead: Yes, the Bible says so, but it doesn’t give us a clear explanation as to why this is true. This is one of those times when we have to depend on our God-given gift of human reason. Jesus is true God because he has the same divine nature as God the Father. He is true man because he was born of the Blessed Virgin Mary. Like any other man, Jesus has a human body and soul. Although Jesus is true man, he was still free from all sin because he is also true God and cannot sin.
Bubba: Makes sense.
Foots: Ah like that. Ain’t never heert it sprained afore. Sounds right.
Buckethead: Fine. Now, how many Persons are there in Jesus Christ?
Bubba: Two, Ah reckon: God an’ man.
Buckethead: No. Only one. Remember that God is one God in three divine Persons. The Son is the second Person of the Blessed Trinity. That means his Person is divine or God himself.
Bubba: But ain’t he two Persons? Ain’t he a divine Person an’ a human person?
Buckethead: That would make him a schizophrenic. No, he’s only one Person, but he does possess two natures. He has the same divine nature as his Father and the same human nature as us.
Bubba: So that’s whah y’all call MAY-ree the Mother o’ God.
Buckethead: Right!
Foots: Wait a minit! How can a human be the Mother o’ God? That makes MAY-ree a god!
Buckethead: Think about it, Foots. Did your mother give birth to a person or a nature?
Foots: A person, o’ course.
Buckethead: That’s right. So did Mary. Jesus possesses a human and divine nature, but he’s only one Person: God. She gave birth to God in his human form. The Bible plainly states that Mary is the Mother of God. You want me to prove it?
Foots: Yore gonna hafta!
Buckethead: Okay, look at Luke 1, verses 31, 32, and 35. They say, "And behold, you will conceive in your womb and bear a son, and you shall call his name Jesus. He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High. . . . The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you; therefore the child to be born will be called holy, the Son of God." Mary is being called the Mother of God by implication, but look at verse 43 if you want it explicitly. Elizabeth asks Mary, "And why is this granted me, that the mother of my Lord should come to me?" In Galatians 4:4 Paul writes that God sent his Son, born of a woman.
Foots: Ah jus’cain’t see MAY-ree bein’ the Mother of God.
Buckethead: To deny it, Foots, is to deny the Incarnation, to deny the divinity of Christ. Heck, your Protestant founders acknowledged Mary’s divine maternity. Both Martin Luther and John Calvin upheld this doctrine. In fact, Calvin said that God honored Mary by choosing her to be the Mother of God. He used those exact words! If the Reformers accepted it, why do you have trouble with it?
Foots: Ah dunno. Ah’ll hafta thank on it a bit.
Bubba: Ain’t sa cocky now, is ya?
Buckethead: Bubba, let’s try to be charitable. Concentrate on your lesson. Okay?
Bubba: Humph. Okay, what’s next?
Buckethead: Tell me, has Jesus always existed?
Bubba: Shore! He’s God!
Buckethead: Think again. Jesus has only existed for two thousand years, but the Son of God has always existed.
Bubba: That was a trick question.
Buckethead: Yeah, but it worked. It forced you to see the distinction between Jesus of Nazareth and the Son of God. When did the Incarnation take place?
Bubba: Heck, ya read it ta Foots a bit ago. It was when the angel tolt MAYree she’s fixin’ ta be God’s mamma.
Buckethead: (Chuckles.) I’ve never heard it put quite that way, but you’re right. And we call this event the Annunciation. That’s a new word for you, Bubba.
Bubba: What’s it called? The ’Nunciotion?
Buckethead: That’s Annunciation.
Bubba: S’whot Ah said.
Buckethead: Uh huh. It’s called the Annunciation because Gabriel announced, or annunciated, to Mary that she had the opportunity to become the Mother of God.
Bubba: Oh, Ah see. Spell it fer me.
Buckethead: Annunciation. A-N-N-U-C-I-A-T-I-O-N. Who was Jesus’ father?
Bubba: Well, Ah reckon it were Joseph, weren’t it?
Buckethead: Actually, Joseph was Jesus’ foster father. He loved and cared for Jesus as any father would, but God the Father was the only true Father of Jesus.
Bubba: Nuther trick question.
Buckethead: No. At least it wasn’t intended to be. After all, Jesus spoke plainly about this in the Gospels. Now, was Mary always a virgin?
Bubba: Shore! That’s whah she’s called a virgin. Nuther goofy question.
Buckethead: Yeah, but the Church means more than just a virginal conception of Christ without the aid of a husband. The Church teaches that Mary was a virgin before, during, and after the birth of Christ, that she was a virgin to the day she died. We call this her perpetual virginity.
Foots: Hol’ on now! The Scriptures says dat Jesus had ’im some brethren. How could MAY-ree be a ’petual virgin ifn Jesus had brethren?
Bubba: Izat true? Does the Bobble say MAY-ree had other younguns?
Foots: Course it’s true! Rat cheer in Mark 6:3 it says, "Is not this the carpenter, the son of MAY-ree on’ the brotha o’ James an’ Joseph an’ Judas an’ Simon, an’ are not his sistas here wi’ us?"
Buckethead: Foots, the word "brother" proves nothing in this or any other passages you could cite. The term "brother" has a very wide meaning in the Bible.
Foots: Brotha is brotha!
Buckethead: Not necessarily. Were Abraham and Lot related?
Foots: Yup! Whazzat gotta do wi’ JEE-zus havin’ brothas?
Buckethead: What relationship did they share? Were they brothers?
Foots: Naw! Ever’body knows Lot was Brotha Abraham’s nephew.
Buckethead: Then why does Scripture call them brothers?
Foots: Huh? It don’t say no such thang.
Buckethead: Hand me your King James and I’ll show you. It’s right here in Genesis 14. I could cite other passages as well, but this will serve to prove the point I want to make. Here it is. First we’ll look at verse 12. It says, "And they took Lot, Abram’s brother’s son, who dwelt in Sodom, and his goods, and departed." Now that proves that Abraham was Lot’s uncle, doesn’t it?
Foots: Yup, jus’ like Ah said.
Buckethead: But look at what it says two verses later. "And when Abram heard that his brother was taken captive, he armed his trained servants, born in his own house, three hundred and eighteen, and pursued them unto Dan." This passage clearly calls Lot Abraham’s brother, but you’ve already admitted that Lot is his nephew.
Foots: Ah be durned. Whah’s that?
Bubba: (Feigning a heart attack.) Oh! Oh! Ohhhh! Ah’m fixin’ ta dah! The world’s gonna end, an’ Ah ain’t ready ta dah yet! Foots not only don’t know somethin’, but he’s actually askin’ Buckethead fer the answer! Oh! Ah’m gonna dah! Ah’m gonna dah!
Foots: Gimme a break, Bubba! Shore Ah’m stumped on this’n. Lemme hear what Buckethead has ta sprain it.
Buckethead: The words "brother," "sister," and their plurals had a wide meaning in the Bible. They could, of course, mean what they mean to us, but they could also apply to nephews, cousins, or just any kinsmen. There was no word in Hebrew or Aramaic for cousin, so the Old Testament writers were forced to use the word "brother" to describe different degrees of kindred. For example, Jacob, speaking of his cousin Rachel, calls himself her father’s brother, rather than style himself the son of her father’s sister, the only way he could describe the relationship in Hebrew.
Foots: Whar’s that?
Buckethead: Genesis 29:12. It’s certain, then, that if Jesus had cousins, especially if they were born of the same mother, they had to be called his brothers in the Aramaic tongue. There is also the testimony regarding this subject from early first- and second-century writers like Ignatius, Polycarp, Irenaeus, and Justin Martyr. Therefore, the phrase "brethren of the Lord," as it is written in your King James, in no way threatens the doctrine of the perpetual virginity. Furthermore, this doctrine helps to protect our belief in Christ’s divinity. The perpetual virginity is yet another proof that Jesus is God become man.
Foots: Ahhh dunno. Sounds reasonable. Too reasonable. Ah’ll have ta do some checkin’ an’ git back wi’ ya on this.
Bubba: Gotcha, didn’t he? Ha, ha, ha!
Buckethead: That’ll be fine. Now let’s move on. Bubba, if Mary is the Mother of God, does that also make her the Mother of the Church?
Foots: Soun’s ta me like y’all tryin’ ta make MAY-ree a god again.
Buckethead: Move your prejudices out of the way long enough to think this one through, Foots. The Church is the Mystical Body of Christ, we are its members, and he is its head. Paul is quite clear about this in Romans, 1 Corinthians, Ephesians, and Colossians.
Foots: Ah’ll agree so fah.
Buckethead: All right. By the mere fact that the Church is a divine institution, and that a mother cannot give birth to a head without giving birth to the whole body, Mary is the Mother of the Church.
Foots: Huh? How on earth da ya figger that?
Buckethead: Look. Because Jesus is God, all of the events associated with his Crucifixion, particularly the words he spoke, were of infinite value and great significance to all men of all times in all places. In short, everything Jesus said and did from the cross had impact and meaning for the Church as he completed man’s redemption. In John 19:26–27 we read, "When Jesus saw his mother, and the disciple whom he loved standing near, he said to his mother, ‘Woman, behold, your son!’ Then he said to the disciple, ‘Behold, your mother!’" Since these words were intended universally and not for the two saints alone, John was representing the Church while Mary was who she is—the Mother of God. It was at this moment that our Savior gave Mary as the Mother of the Church.
Foots: Hmm. Ah’m not shore Ah can bah this neither, but is sounds purddy good. Fac’, it’d sprain whah y’all Cath’licks honor MAY-ree. But it shore don’t give ya a scuse ta worship her! She’s jus’ a ordinary woman!
Bubba: Yeah, Buckethead. Ah always heert that y’all Cath’licks worship MAY-ree!
Buckethead: That’s just another distortion of the facts. No Catholic worships Mary. Any Catholic who does worship her condemns himself. We don’t worship Mary, but we do honor her in a special way because God himself did. How can you call Mary an ordinary woman and claim to be a student of the Bible? Would God choose an ordinary woman to be his only Son’s mother when he had millions to choose from? This "ordinary woman" was spoken of by Isaiah centuries before her birth; God sent Gabriel the Archangel to announce to her the great privilege she was about to receive; he sent this same angel to comfort a doubting and disturbed Joseph; both the angel and Mary’s cousin Elizabeth called Mary "blessed among women"; the Virgin herself prophesied that all generations would call her blessed, a prophecy fulfilled by Catholics the world over every day; and we find she was considered so important that she was in the upper room with the apostles, present for the descent of the Holy Spirit on Pentecost. In honoring Mary we imitate Jesus, who loved her as a mother. Look here in the second chapter of John. Do you recall the story of the marriage feast at Cana?
Foots: Shore, but what’s that got ta do wi’ MAY-ree?
Buckethead: Everything. As you’ll recall, the wine had run out. It was Mary who had told Jesus of the embarrassing problem, implicitly asking him to help the hosts. Jesus responded that his hour had not yet come. What did Mary do? She turned to the servants and told them to do whatever Jesus told them. Of course, we know what happened. He turned water into wine. Now let’s examine what took place here. First, Jesus tells his mother that his time has not yet come. But Mary, with an already fully formed Christian heart, wants to save the hosts from humiliation. She tells the servants to obey her Son. Jesus, who is God but also a good Jewish son, obeys his mother’s wishes. In obedience to his mother Jesus alters his Father’s timetable, which had been set from all eternity, for love of his mother! How can we not honor a mother so loved and honored by the Son of God? Love for Mary by its very nature leads us to love her Son. For two thousand years she has been telling us the same thing she told the servants: "Do whatever he tells you." Jesus can’t be jealous of the praise we give to Mary. Is the artist jealous of the praise we give his painting? Is the author jealous of the praise we give his book? Of course not! It’s downright stupid to even consider the honor Catholics give to Mary would be offensive to God!
Bubba: Whoa! Ah’m sold, Buckethead. Settle down.
Foots: Ya really git wound up over this stuff ’bout MAY ree, don’t ya?
Buckethead: I’m sorry if I got too worked up, but yes, it is very important to me. Mary is my mother. She’s not just my mother, but she’s my mother. Would you like it if I spoke about your mother with less than absolute respect?
Foots: Okay. Okay. Ya made yore point. Ah still ain’t convinced o’ nothin’, but Ah reckon Ah can see whar ya comin’ from. Uh, Bucket? Ya mind ifn Ah maybe sit in on a few more o’ Bubba’s lessons on down the road? Jus’ ta know what y’all teachin’ sos Ah can show Bubba what’s right later. Ah ain’t bahin’ none o’ this, ya know.
Buckethead: (Smiles.) Sure, Foots, we’d be happy to have you, as long as you observe the rules.
Foots: (Stands to leave.) Well, Ah gotta go. Ah’ll see y’all later.
Bubba: Well, Ah’ll be. Buckethead, Ah thank ya got the Foot.
Buckethead: We’ll see, Bubba. We’ll see.
Foots is really quite typical of a zealous Fundamentalist, and it’s not at all uncharitable to deal with them as I did him. Furthermore, he could not have picked a better lesson to have sat in on. Mary is always her Son’s greatest evangelist, and Catholic Marian doctrine naturally fills a longing in all men’s hearts, so Bubba was on target when he observed Foots’ changed attitude. By the way, Foots became Bubba’s first godson seven months after Bubba’s reception into the Church.
Russell L. Ford, a frequent contributor to This Rock, is an inmate in an Alabama prison.
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