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R a i s i n ’ S a i n t s
WHEN PARENTS DON’T SHARE ONE FAITH
By LESLIE RYLAND
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My husband Tim and I almost always agree. That’s not to say we don’t have our differences. Tim likes to leave the door between our kitchen and garage unlocked during the day so he doesn’t have to mess with his keys. I compulsively lock all doors. Tim likes to keep the house dark at night. Dark like, say, a black hole. I prefer to leave a few lights on low so I can see when I get up with one of our girls. Each night before Tim comes to bed, he creeps into the girls’ room. He tucks the blankets around four-year-old Rebecca, lifts two-year-old Angela up onto her pillow, and gently runs his hand over baby Lucy’s carrot-red hair. Before Tim pulls the door shut behind him, he places a receiving blanket over the girls’ fifteen-watt night-light. The already dim room plunges into total darkness. Every morning when I make the girls’ beds, I hide the blanket so Tim won’t be able to find it the next night.
"They need to learn to sleep in the dark," Tim says.
"Then they’ll be like you and they’ll only be able to sleep in the dark," I reply. "A little light is good."
If we never disagree about anything more substantial regarding child raising, Tim and I will count ourselves lucky. More likely, we’ll have some differences as our girls get older. What should parents do if they gravely disagree about how to raise their children? I spoke to Gerald Sperrazzo, Ph.D., a Catholic psychologist with several decades of experience counseling couples before and during marriage.
"I do a lot of work with premarital counseling," Dr. Sperrazzo told me. "The diocese where I live gives couples the option of coming to see me if they can’t do the normal pre-Cana counseling."
Sperrazzo emphasized the importance of a shared faith in marriage: "Where there are differences of faith," he said, "there are critical issues which need to be addressed very intensely with a third party. I tell couples that differences in faith cause conflict before marriage and are likely to cause a high level of conflict after the marriage. I ask the couples if they’re willing to have this high level of conflict throughout their married life."
According to Sperrazzo, a third-party counselor or priest can help couples deal with the issues realistically. "Couples tend to be idealistic," said Sperrazzo. "If one is Muslim and one is Catholic, they think, ‘Oh, we love each other. We’ll deal with this issue as we go along. It will be part of our marriage experience.’ After marriage, religious differences become more stark. If the spouses weren’t very committed religiously before marriage, their lack of a shared faith will pull them apart over time. Instead of getting closer together, they move further apart because their faith is not a shared experience.
"As an example," he continued, "Let’s say one of the couple’s children gets sick. Mom is praying for the child to get better. Dad says, ‘Praying won’t work. Let’s do something else.’" Sperrazzo said sometimes a couple’s discussion about their religious differences can help them understand each other better.
"If they talk about the deep feelings associated with their faith, it can be a learning experience for the other spouse. If you really love your spouse, you can try at least to understand, even if you can’t actually experience the other faith. Couples don’t often get very far in this discussion," he observed. "Other issues intervene. Like, ‘You didn’t take out the garbage.’"
Sperrazzo repeatedly emphasized the importance of religious concord. "It’s one of the most reliable predictors of success in marriage," he told me. "Couples should begin discussion before they get married. But if they didn’t, it’s not too late. There are ways of dealing with problems. Going to a good priest is a start. While a priest may not be able to help therapeutically, he can be a source of referral. A priest would likely refer you to a therapist who believes in the sacramentality of marriage."
After talking to Sperrazzo, I went to a priest I know and trust. The priest to whom I spoke has advised hundreds of couples over the years and taught a Christian marriage class at a Catholic university. I asked my friend how he’d advise a couple with serious disagreements regarding child raising.
"Let’s assume the husband and wife are both Catholic," my friend began. "I would encourage them to see what their long-term objectives are with regard to their children. Many times when spouses disagree, the problem isn’t with their long-term goals, but rather the strategies each wants to use to reach those goals. Then I would have them determine which strategy was best. It’s simpler to deal with the strategy once you see that you have the same objectives. Your differences don’t seem too important if you’re headed in the same direction.
"If the spouses had a serious disagreement, I would of course encourage them to pray, ‘Lord, show us the way,’" my friend continued. "‘Take out of our minds all thoughts of winning the argument. Help us to look at what will be best for our children.’ If the parents are focused on winning the disagreement, the children get caught in the middle."
My friend agreed with Sperrazzo’s emphasis on premarital discussions regarding child raising. "The spouses need to talk before marriage. They need to ask themselves, ‘To what extent are we willing to be counter-cultural? Are we willing to do what’s best for our children even if none of our friends agree? Are we united in that?’ Within a family, if the parents are not united, children sense it immediately and play one parent against the other.
"The spouses also need to understand whether their disagreement is really about the children and not merely a reflection of the spouses’ own interpersonal disagreement or the stresses in the spouses’ relationship." According to this priest, the same principles apply in the case of a mixed marriage. "If the Catholic spouse is in good standing, he or she had to agree to raise the children in the Church. The non-Catholic spouse had to agree not to interfere."
Like Sperrazzo, my friend emphasized the difficulties encountered by spouses who do not share their faith: "A mixed marriage always involves a compromise. Two people are separated in the very deepest area of their lives. They will never have the depth of communication as a couple with a shared faith because they’re divided in their deepest convictions.
"Parents in a mixed marriage should focus on what they have in common," my friend continued. "Almost all Protestants and Catholics will have a lot in common regarding basic Christian morality. They’ll see that what they really want to do is raise their children to know and love Jesus Christ and to model their lives on Christ. If they can back off and look at these basic objectives, they’ll see the differences aren’t as big as they thought. "All parents, whether of a shared faith or from a mixed marriage, need to search their hearts and minds and see to what extent their disagreement reflects reactions to their own childhood. You find parents who say, ‘I wish I had been raised this way. I wish my parents had done this for me. Come hell or high water, I’m going to do this for my child,’ never stopping to consider whether what they want to do is something that’s right for the child."
Considering my friend’s advice, I found myself feeling even more blessed. Tim and I share our faith. Our number one child-raising priority lies in passing that faith along to our girls. Maybe tomorrow, I’ll leave the blanket over the night-light.
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