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R a i s i n ’ S a i n t s
SQUIRMERS
By LESLIE RYLAND
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We have good Masses and bad Masses. When my husband, Tim, and I were courting, we went to Mass together every Sunday. Some weekday mornings we’d meet for 7:30 Mass at the little church near my house. On a winter morning, I would kneel on the kneeler’s stiff, cool leather and watch the gray light filtering through the high windows brighten to white. As the hand bell announcing Mass pealed through the perfectly still church, Tim would slip into the pew beside me and squeeze my hand. I pictured us growing old together in the quiet sanctuary of God’s Church.
Then we got married and had children. Each Sunday when we get up and prepare four-year-old Rebecca, two-year-old Angela, and four-month-old Lucy for Mass, my stomach tightens.
Some Sundays, all three girls act like angels. Rebecca pays attention and chimes in softly with the proper responses. Angela sits quietly and reads a book. Lucy snoozes in her car seat. Other Sundays I wonder if we’re foolish to try to go to Mass as a family. A few weeks ago, we had an especially bad time. As soon as we sat down in the pew, Rebecca started whining for something to drink.
"You’re a big girl now, sweetie," I reminded her. "No juice during Mass."
Rebecca collapsed in a heap on the kneeler. Watching Rebecca, Angela started whining and writhing on the pew. When Tim picked Angela up, she wriggled out of his arms and smacked her head against the pew in front of us. Tim carried Angela screaming up the aisle.
Rebecca picked herself up off the floor and clambered up beside me.
"Mommy," she whispered insistently, "I want to go with Daddy."
"No, sweetie," I whispered back. "Daddy had to take Angela out because she bonked her head. They’ll be back in a few minutes." Rebecca crossed her arms and pouted.
A moment later, Lucy started a low-level fuss in her car seat. I undid the buckle and lifted her out. Bright yellow baby b. m. stained the white sleeper I’d dressed her in for Mass. When Tim sat back down with Angela, I leaned over and whispered, "I’ve got to change Lucy’s diaper." Gathering the diaper bag in one hand and Lucy in the other, I squeezed past Tim and headed up the aisle.
As I swung out the door, I wondered if other families have bad Masses, too. What do they do to help their children behave during church? How do they get their older children involved in the liturgy? Should we just give up and go to the cry room?
I called Rosemary. Rosemary has ten children ranging in age from eleven years to four months. I’ve seen them at the weddings of mutual friends. I’m always amazed. Each bright towhead sits calmly in the pew. At Communion, the whole family walks up the aisle like stair steps from oldest to youngest. The older children receive the Body of Christ with piety and reverence. The little ones bow their heads for a blessing. I asked Rosemary how she keeps her children so well behaved.
"Well," Rosemary began with the sound of bright voices in the background, "We promote prayers in the home and the singing of Latin hymns. The children start memorizing at a very early age, so the prayers and hymns are a part of them. We’ve always taken our children to Mass every single Saturday and Sunday. We’re very dedicated, and the children know where we’re going on those days. I make sure they’re well fed before Mass, and we always wear our best clothes. On Saturday, the girls might wear play dresses. On Sunday, they wear their nicest clothes. It sends a message, ‘This is church. This is God. It’s important to look our best for him.’"
"We give the younger children a prayer book or a saints book to look at during Mass. If we have a toddler who just can’t sit still, we’ll stand with him in the back of the church. We deeply encourage singing as a way for the children to be involved. And we encourage the children to give the responses. We remind the children what’s expected of them, and we never sit in the cry room. They usually don’t see correct behavior in the cry room."
What does Rosemary do if the children misbehave?
"We’ve always made it a point to praise the children if they were good in Mass," Rosemary continued. "And there is no punishment in an angry or physical way if they are naughty. When they aren’t good, we tell them, ‘That’s not the way to behave. You need to give a good example to your younger brothers and sisters.’ And we might say, ‘When we have some chocolate later today, you won’t have any.’
"At home, we let the little boys dress up as priests and pretend to say Mass. I didn’t always necessarily want them playing with my good candlesticks," Rosemary laughed.
After I’d talked to Rosemary, I remembered something Tim had heard from his friend Pat. Pat and Nancy have five children and are expecting their sixth any day. A few years ago, Pat told Tim that children should start to pay attention in Mass and participate in the liturgy when they’re eighteen months old. I called Nancy and asked her how they got their children involved in the Mass at such an early age.
"Did Pat say eighteen months?" Nancy asked. "I guess eighteen months is a good time to start. When they’re two, they should learn to sit still. We usually bring a book or a small religious statue for the youngest kids. We also try to get the kids to be aware of what’s in the church. If they get distracted, you can ask them, ‘Where’s Mary? Where’s Jesus? Where’s the priest?’
"It’s always hardest with the first couple," Nancy told me. "When the first kids are older, the little ones do what their big brothers and sisters do."
Like Rosemary, Nancy and her husband dress the kids in their best clothes for Mass.
"When the kids get up on Sunday, they know it’s a special day. They wear clothes that we only wear for special occasions. We’ve also found it helps the boys to be altar servers. Our younger son Max just started as an altar boy. For the last year, he’s been watching his older brothers who are altar boys very closely during Mass. Max knew he’d be up there pretty soon.
"Our kids have never balked at going to Mass. We talk about the True Presence of Christ. They know Mass is something special, and they need to behave."
Fr. John Petuskey has been a priest for thirty-one years. As pastor at St. John the Baptist Church in the Archdiocese of Oklahoma City, he ministers to many young families. He agrees that explaining the True Presence of Christ to your children helps.
"Talk to your kids," Fr. Petuskey told me over the phone. "Explain, explain, explain. Not everything at once. Pick things out. When the priest holds up the Holy Scriptures, tell your children, ‘This is God’s word.’ During the consecration, say, ‘This is when the Holy Spirit comes down and makes Jesus present.’ Don’t be afraid to talk to your kids quietly during Mass. Let them go with you to Communion and receive a blessing. Bring a book about Mass and point to what’s going on.
"Don’t use the cry room. Kids behave better when they sit in the front of the church. Up until the age of two, you can leave them in the nursery. Or parents can go to separate Masses. But I like parents to go to Mass together. If the kids get fussy, get up and leave. Don’t let the kids disturb the people around them by climbing on the pews, especially during the most important parts of the Mass when people are concentrating and trying to pray."
I’m going to try to remember all these suggestions next time we approach meltdown during Mass. And I’ll try to remember that someday, when Tim and I are old, we’ll get to sit in a quiet church again. I’m sure that in that future silence we’ll miss those warm little squirming bodies and whispered voices.
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