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P r i s o n A p o l o g e t i c s
NEVER GIVE UP
By RUSSELL L. FORD
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SOME ways back, Ah tolt y'all . .. Excuse me. Sometimes it's difficult to break away from the Dixiese I'm forced to speak in this Alabama prison. Let's try it again.
Some time ago I related to you a conversation I'd had with Bubba Morgan on the existence of God. You will be pleased to learn that Bubba is now one of my catechumens. We just finished studying the ninth article of the Creed together. For those of you less familiar with catechetical structure, I'm referring to the article in which we profess our belief in the holy Catholic Church.
Depending on the acumen of my student (and Bubba's is sometimes questionable), I spend up to eighteen hours teaching this article of the Creed. It has been my experience that if we are going to lose a catechumen anywhere along the way, it will be at this point. Furthermore, the credibility of the entire catechism rests upon a proper understanding of the divine origin of the Church, her nature as a living organism, and her attributes and characteristics.
While covering infallibility with Bubba, I learned that we had an eavesdropper. Eavesdropping in prison is common due to the lack of privacy, but I actually try to teach the catechism where others can hear it. We get new students all the time because of what others have overheard. This particular eavesdropper, however, was almost more than I could bear.
He was the Rite Reverend Doctor Elder Johnny Lee. I'm serious! You should hear the guards laugh at mail call when the man gets a letter. Anyway, Mister Lee's four-word title is most deceiving.
You see, the good doctor can neither read nor write. I asked him once where he got his doctorate (before I realized what I was dealing with), and he told me he had "earned" it from Brother Billy Bob's Bible Boutique and Babbling Seminary, or some such. He paid a nominal fee to be called a "Doctor of Holy Writ."
Bubba and I were in the middle of our lesson when the Rite Reverend Doctor Elder butted in.
Buckethead: So, Bubba, Jesus made his Church infallible so that she would not compromise with the ideas of changing times or yield to pressures from within or without, but would teach always and only the faith entrusted to her by Christ, her Founder.
Bubba: Well, Ah be switched! Ah'd never dreemt such o' thang. Now it all makes perfect sense, Bucket. Ah just . . .
R. R. D. E. Lee: No, it don't.
Buckethead: How ya doin', Johnny?
Lee: A sight better'n y'all. How can ya believe all that junk, Buckethead?
Bubba: Junk?! Whaddya mean "junk," ya fat-bellied, thickheaded . . .
Buckethead: That's okay, Bubba, Johnny's entitled to his opinion. Maybe he'll let us explain it to him.
Lee: Y'all ain't splainin' nothin' ta me! Y'all in league with that Roman Beelzebub who poisons millions o' minds by keepin' 'em enslaved in the 'niquity o' the Whore o' Babylon! Ya ain't fixin' ta tell me a thang. Ya oughtta lemme tell y'all 'bout JEE-zus! Glo-ree! Testifyin'! Shamalamabalani!
Bubba: The man's plumb lost his mind, Bucket! Lemma drag 'im out on the rec yard an' give 'im a little baseball bat therapy. Ah'll swing fer the fences!
Buckethead: Bubba! Chill out and let me handle this!
Bubba: [Grumbles inaudibly.]
Buckethead: Johnny, why not let me explain why we believe in the infallibility of the Church?
Lee: Y'all got the devil's doctrine, an' Ah don't wanna hear it!
Buckethead: You sound more like a man who's afraid that his religious views can't stand up under the light of scrutiny.
Lee: Ah ain't scairt o' nothing, 'specially no kinda screwy!
Buckethead: Scrutiny.
Lee: That too.
Buckethead: Then let's discuss it.
Lee: Ah dunno. Ah seen ya trick alotta men into bein' Cath'lic. This may be another trick.
Buckethead: Then you are afraid.
Lee: Heck no! Let's get to it! Asides, Ah got the Holy Ghost guidin' me. Gloree! Thank ya, JEE-zus!
Buckethead: Okay, Johnny. Let's start in the Bible. I'm using the Ignatius Bible, which is nothing more than the Revised Standard Version.
Lee: Ah ain't fixin' to believe nothin' 'less it comes from the King James. 'Twas good 'nough fer Paul an' Silas, so it's good 'nough fer me.
Bubba: Ah'm tellin' ya, Bucket, the dude needs baseball bat therapy. Jus' lemme . . .
Buckethead: Hush, Bubba!
Bubba: But . . .
Buckethead: We'll deal with Paul and the King James a little later. In the meantime, I don't mind using your favorite version. Look here in Mark 16:15-16. It says: "And he said to them, Go ye into all the world, and preach the gospel to every creature. He that believeth and is baptized shall be saved; but he that believeth not shall be damned." Notice, Johnny, that Jesus made belief in divine truth so binding that we will be damned if we fail to believe.
Lee: That's right, Buckethead. Ah do believe; it's y'all that gotta problem!
Buckethead: Okay, Johnny, I'll agree that you're a believer, but how do you know that you know and believe everything Christ and the apostles taught?
Lee: Cause Ah got the Holy Bobble ta tell me! Ya Cath'lics don't even read the Bobble.
Buckethead: I just read from Mark, didn't I?
Lee: Well, uh, huh?
Buckethead: It's true that you have the Bible, but so do the other 20,000-plus denominations within the Christian religion. They all have the Bible, yet they all believe different things. If they all get the totality of truth from the Bible, then it seems they should all agree on all doctrines, and there wouldn't be so many different groups. Some believe baptism cleanses the soul of sin; others believe it's merely an ordinance. Some believe in the gift of tongues; others don't.
Lee: But Ah got the Holy Ghost ta guide me.
Buckethead: The others all claim to have his guidance, too. The problem is that none of them is really sure of what's right, except for a gut feeling they have of being right. But a mere feeling doesn't guarantee we're right about a thing. How many times have we all had a feeling about something and ended up being wrong? Let's apply a little common sense to this. Would a good God who "wills all men to be saved, and come to the knowledge of the truth" (1 Tim. 2:4) fail to provide his children with a living teacher to keep us from falling into error? Would a loving God command us to believe under penalty of damnation and then leave us to figure out the truth from oftentimes vague scriptural passages all on our own? Only a cruel God would do that, a God that neither you nor I would be willing to love and serve. No, God doesn't operate that way. Jesus told the apostles that "as the Father sent me, so do I send you" (John 20:21). He also told them that "he who hears you hears me; he who rejects you rejects me; he who rejects me rejects him who sent me" (Luke 10:16). To Peter alone, in Matthew 16:16, did Jesus give the keys to the kingdom of heaven, the symbol of authority. Then he gave Peter the power of binding and loosing in a special way in the same passage. Later, in Matthew 18:18, Jesus gave the power of binding and loosing to the apostles as a body.
Lee: That bindin' and loosin' is talkin' 'bout prayin' demons outta folks. Ah've ridded lots o' folks o' demons. Ya need to let me pray that Cath'lic demon outta ya, Bucket. Shammaloo!
Buckethead: I defy you, Johnny Lee, to show me anywhere in those passages where Jesus says anything about demon possession. It's simply not there.
Lee: Ah'm inspired by the Holy Ghost, an' the Holy Bobble says Ah'm right. It was good 'nough fer Paul an' Silas, so it's good 'nough fer me!
Buckethead: Look, Johnny, we can cite numerous passages to show that Christ founded one Church, not many, that he protected that one Church from teaching error, and that he made us obliged to obey that one Church. We could go on and on, but . . .
Lee: Naw ya cain't! Ah ain't listenin'! Ah knew it would happen. That ol' Cath'lic demon in ya is makin' ya use the Holy Bobble itself ta twist scriptures an' try ta trick me. Ah'm gonna lay hands on ya, an' pray that demon right outta ya!
Buckethead: Put your hands on me, Johnny Lee, and I'll turn Bubba loose on you.
Bubba: Lemme go git a baseball bat!
Lee: Ah'm headin' ta the chapel ta pray fer ya! [Walks away, quickly. ]
Bubba: Ya want me ta go ahead an' git the bat anyway?
Buckethead: No, Bubba. You couldn't get through to a guy like that, even if you could pour truth into his head. I had a lot more material to cover, but it could never be done with him. He's one of those guys who's afraid he might find out the Catholic Church could actually be right about something. Otherwise, he'd enter into honest dialogue.
Bubba: Well, go over it all with me, will ya? Ah wanna learn how to defend this doctrine, too.
Buckethead: Okay. We'll start back at Mark 16 again. But the first thing you've got to learn, Bubba, is that beatin' folks with a baseball bat is not a valid apologetical technique. Now, Scripture says here . . . .
You folks probably think I stay awake at night thinking up these stories. I don't. For the sake of charity, I never use actual names (except Buckethead as my prison handle), but all of the stories I tell come from actual experiences.
People like our Rite Reverend Doctor Elder Johnny Lee are not rare in Dixie, which is a sad thing, but there are always fruits generated by such discussions.
If you have had even remotely similar discussions with Fundamentalists, don't get discouraged. From a spiritual standpoint, such frustrating dialogues have been duly noted by our Lord, and he credits you for the love and obedience you have shown him. From the evangelistic point of view, the fruits can be many.
Others nearby listened to my exchange with the Rite Reverend Doctor Elder. Who do you think got points for credibility? I remained charitable and calm (by prison standards), while Johnny was steadily spitting venom. The little bit of argument I was able to produce was logical and reasonable. Poor Johnny made a fool of himself with illogic and irrational emotionalism in front of other listeners. All the points were scored in the Catholic court.
Moments after the Rite Reverend Doctor Elder left, while I was going over the apologetics of infallibility with Bubba, others who had heard the exchange between Johnny and me sat down to listen and ask questions.
Whether any of those men will become serious students and eventually convert to Catholicism, only God knows and time will tell; still, the seed has been planted.
No matter how many times you experience apparent failure, know with moral certitude that there is no failure in Christ's scheme of things. He will always use your best, well-intentioned efforts for his greater glory and the benefit of souls. The bottom line is that you should never give up
Russell L. Ford is incarcerated in an Alabama prison, from which he frequently writes on prison apologetics.
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