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F e a t u r e A r t i c l e
Kickin' The Bobo in the Big House
By RUSSELL L. FORD
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This Rock
Volume 5, Number 10
 October 1994 
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CATHOLIC apologetics is no doubt exciting in any venue, but nowhere is it more interesting--and frustrating--than in the Alabama penal system. On our best days, discussion of any serious matter is the stuff from which comedy movie scripts are made. When religion is the topic, anything goes and the oddest comments arise.
The first thing for any non-Southerner (such as moi) to realize is that the Southern dialect is actually more of a second language. I call it Dixie-ese. For example, the first word I learned was "gimmalagh." A fellow approached me one day and said, "Gimmalagh."
I at first thought the poor guy was having a stroke, but I wasn't altogether certain, so I said, "Excuse me?"
He repeated, "Gimmalagh!"
I replied, "Look, pal, you're going to have to be a bit more distinct."
A puzzled look came over his face, then he agitatedly repeated, "Gimmalagh! Gimmalagh!"
It was only when he held up a cigarette while saying the phrase that I realized what he was wanting. He was saying "Give me a light" in Dixie-ese.
I decided later to see if I had correctly interpreted the new addition to my vocabulary. I approached a table where the occupants were playing cards. I put my hands in my pockets and said, "Gimmalagh." Without looking up from their card game, two convicts tossed packs of matches my way. I was beginning to fit in.
Another word I learned consists simply of two vowel sounds, "aw-i." It didn't take long to figure this one out. It seems that Dixie-ese has taken two words, consisting of eight letters (only two of which are actually vowels), and reduced them to "aw-i." The words are "all right."
Along with an understanding of Dixie-ese, one must recognize that common definitions of words have been thrown completely out the window. Take "Coke," for instance. This is one that knows no ecumenical or etymological boundaries. When most Americans order a Coke they expect to receive a cola that claims to be "the real thing." Not so in Alabama. If someone asks for a Coke here it is necessary to clarify the flavor. The thirsty Bubba could be asking for an orange Coke, a grape Coke, a root beer Coke, or indeed "the real thing"-- the only exception being an R.C. Cola to go with the traditional Moon Pie. (Don't ask. I'm not sure I understand it.)
Here in prison, there is yet one more little obstacle to be overcome. Prison society is a sub-culture of the counter-culture of the free-world. In the free-world, the counter-culturists have given us a meaning to the word "gay" that doesn't even faintly resemble the meaning of that word as I learned it as a child. Likewise, prison has its own jargon.
When I was a child--and I hope this doesn't date me too badly--Bobo was an inflatable clown with a weighted bottom and a red, bulbous nose that honked when it was punched. Bobo was intended to give children an opportunity to develop hand-eye coordination and introduce them to the manly art of pugilism.
In here, though, exists the phrase "kickin' the Bobo." When I first heard the term, I thought convicts were suggesting a rather cruel treatment of the funny little clown who happily received my developing left cross. I learned that "kickin' the Bobo" was actually a phrase that meant "having a bull-session."
I took me about a year to learn all of these interesting facets of communication in the Alabama penal system. [It's important to note that I had been in Alabama a very short time before learning first hand of the Southern hospitality of its penal system. We have a saying here: "Alabama: Come on vacation, leave on probation."] That was okay, though, since I had been in prison about a year before I converted to Catholicism, and it was another year before my apologetics techniques matured beyond "admit I'm right or I'll pound your head in." But o
nce I learned these things I was well prepared to engage in healthy and reasonable (sigh) apologetical dialogue.
Taking on Fundamentalists in this penal system is a genuine penance. To begin, they outnumber us here about 35 to one. (The ratio is much higher in the other 17 Alabama prisons.) Next, these Fundamentalists are in almost unanimous agreement that Holy Mother Church is actually the Whore of Babylon.
And we are not so fortunate as to have anti-Catholics of the Bart Brewer or Jimmy Swaggart schools. No-o-o-o! We're stuck with those who believe Jack Chick is a prophet raised up by the Almighty to be the scourge that rids the world of the curse of Catholicism and to snatch poor, misguided Catholics from the evil clutches of Rome.
Since ours is one of the most unusual situations in America for apologetics and evangelism, I thought you would appreciate the following sampling of some of the dialogue we must resort to. One of our most common debates is on sola scriptura. I use the convicts' prison handles, rather than their actual names.
CUTMOUTH: Glory! Testifyin' Brother Bucket. It's high time we had us a talk about the Bible!
BUCKETHEAD: Sure, Cut. I'd like that. You seem awfully excited. What's gotcha so up today?
CUTMOUTH: I just got back from the first class in that college degree program the prison chaplain set up for us. It's all on video, ya know. Very high-tech stuff.
BUCKETHEAD: Really? Is it accredited?
CUTMOUTH: I don't even know what that is. It don't matter none, though. I'm a God-called preacher, so education don't much matter. Once I finish learnin' how to read, I'll be good to go.
BUCKETHEAD: Oh. What's the name of this school or college or whatever?
CUTMOUTH: It's called "Brother Billy's Bible School and Temple of Tongues." I just got done brushin' up on how the Bible and Catholic don't go together.
BUCKETHEAD: Catholicism.
CUTMOUTH: That too. Anyway, I heard the Holy Ghost tellin' me to git about my bidness and come kickin' the Bobo with ya to save your soul from hell.
BUCKETHEAD: Good, Cut. I certainly want my soul saved from hell. But are you sure it was the Holy Ghost who told you to save me?
CUTMOUTH: Sure was! He said, "Go save that man from May-ree worshipin' and show him what the Bible says." It was definitely the Holy Ghost!
BUCKETHEAD: We'll see.
CUTMOUTH: [Waving a KJV in Buckethead's face.] It says right in here that y'all is wrong, and Brother Billy says all ya need is to get showed. So I'm a-showin'.
BUCKETHEAD: Wait a minute, Cutmouth. How do you know that everything I need to know to be saved is in the Bible?
CUTMOUTH: 'Cause it says so! Looky here at John 20:31. It says: "But these are written, that ye might believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God; and that believing ye might have life through his name."
BUCKETHEAD: You do pretty good for a guy just learnin' how to read.
CUTMOUTH: Got 'em memorized.
BUCKETHEAD: Oh.
CUTMOUTH: And looky here at 2 Timothy 3:16. It says, "All Scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness . . ." So ya see, Brother Buckethead, the Bible says it's all right here.
BUCKETHEAD: Now wait a minute, Cut. That verse in John doesn't even imply that the Bible has it all, and the verse in Timothy only says that Scripture is profitable, not the end-all, be-all of divine revelation. Let's save us both some time and cut to the heart of the matter. Okay?
CUTMOUTH: Okay.
BUCKETHEAD: You believe that all religious truth is in the Bible and anything outside of the Bible is just an invention of man. Right?
CUTMOUTH: Right! Just like those traditions of men
y'all Catholics use.
BUCKETHEAD: Fine. Let me show you something in your Bible. In Matthew 2:23 it says, "and he came and dwelt in a city called Nazareth: that it might be fulfilled which was spoken by the prophets, he shall be called a Nazarene." Now, Cutmouth, this must mean that an Old Testament prophet wrote that Jesus would be called a Nazarene. Right?
CUTMOUTH: Right.
BUCKETHEAD: So by your reasoning, if a prophet didn't write such a thing in the Old Testament, then Matthew must have lied, right?
CUTMOUTH: Yeah, but Brother Matthew didn't lie!
BUCKETHEAD: I don't believe he lied either. But if a prophet didn't write that, then Matthew did lie. And if he lied, then the whole Gospel is a lie. Right?
CUTMOUTH: [Speaking cautiously.] Uh-huh. Are you tryin' to trick me?
BUCKETHEAD: And if it's all a lie, then we just worship a dead Jewish carpenter, right?
CUTMOUTH: I guess.
BUCKETHEAD: I contend that Matthew didn't lie, but I also contend that you can't find any such prophecy in the Bible. I believe that the prophecy is an oral tradition, handed down to the Jews from ancient times. I believe that oral tradition for Jews and Christians has always existed. Since you and I both believe Matthew is telling the truth, and if I'm right that in the Bible there is no prophecy that Jesus would be a Nazarene, then it must follow that not all of divine revelation is in the Bible. I believe the rest of revelation was handed down by the apostles through the Church. That means the Church--the Catholic Church, founded on Peter by Jesus--possesses the fullness of divine revelation.
CUTMOUTH: That's blasphemy!
BUCKETHEAD: I'll tell ya what, Cut. I 'll give you a week to find that prophecy. If you find it anywhere in the Old Testament. I'll give you a full store draw off of the prison canteen. If you can't, then you have to attend our catechism course. Deal?
CUTMOUTH: Deal! I gotcha now, Buckethead!
That was three years ago. Cutmouth still hasn't found the prophecy, because it's not to be found in the pages of the Bible. Cutmouth also never made good on his promise to attend our classes.
I did the same thing with the Protestant prison chaplain, but the deal was somewhat different. I told him I'd join his religion if he could find the prophecy. If, on the other hand, he failed to find the prophecy at the end of two weeks, he would be obliged to preach from his pulpit that the Bible and sacred Tradition are joint sources of divine revelation. When I left his office he was feverishly flipping the pages of a Thompson Chain Reference Bible and two concordances. That also was also three years ago. He still refuses to reopen the dialogue.
The hardest obstacle to overcome with Fundamentalists in here is their incessant rambling from one topic to another. They throw logic and reason right out the window. For example, all Fundamentalists here seem to believe the world is less than 10,000 years old and that the creation story of Genesis must be taken literally in its minutest detail--no room for poetic effects or symbolism. They not only reject logic and reason in this case, but they go so far as to claim logic and reason have no place in religion at all. But it only takes one word to make them stumble on the creation: "Dinosaur." The Fundamentalist response? "God just put those bones here to test my faith." Yeah. Right. You can imagine how things go, then, when discussing Mary. Below is a sample of what we put up with, and it is by no means exhaustive of their illogical chatter.
BULLET: Why do y'all Catholics make May-ree equal to God?
LARGE LARRY: Who says we do, Bullet?
BULLET: Y'all pray to her, don't ya?
LARGE LARRY: Sure we do, Bullet, but don't confuse prayer with worship. Haven't you read the motions your attorney made to the court while you we
re waiting to stand trial?
BULLET: Yeah. So?
LARGE LARRY: Some of those motions have wording that goes something like: "We pray this honorable court . . ." Does that mean your lawyer or you think the court is a god?
BULLET: No. I don't know what it means.
LARGE LARRY: To pray is nothing more than to make a request. Have you ever asked other people to pray for you?
BULLET: Sure.
LARGE LARRY: Then you actually prayed to them to pray to God for you.
BULLET: But y'all call May-ree the mother of God.
LARGE LARRY: What has that got to do with praying to Mary?
BULLET: That makes her God, doesn't it?
LARGE LARRY: No, Bullet, it doesn't. Who is Jesus?
BULLET: He's our Savior!
LARGE LARRY: Right. He's the God-Man. He possesses two natures, human and divine. But he is only one Person, the Second Person of the Trinity. The Second Person is the Son, who is God.
BULLET: So? God ain't got no mother.
LARGE LARRY: Sure he does. Bullet, did your mother give birth to a nature or a person?
BULLET: A person.
LARGE LARRY: So did Mary. Jesus is the Second Person of the Triune God, so she gave birth to God.
BULLET: But y'all say she didn't sin.
LARGE LARRY: I'm a little confused, Bullet. What does that have to do with praying to Mary or her being the Mother of God?
BULLET: But all have sinned, so y'all are wrong about May-ree.
LARGE LARRY: [Sigh.] Okay. Fine. Did Jesus ever sin?
BULLET: Course not!
LARGE LARRY: Then "all" can't possibly mean everybody, right? That verse allows for at least one exception.
BULLET: Yeah, but not May-ree.
LARGE LARRY: Why not?
BULLET: Just couldn'.
LARGE LARRY: Look, you've got to reason this out. Use a little logic.
BULLET: God don't use no logic.
LARGE LARRY: [G-r-r-r.] Bullet, is everybody born in sin?
BULLET: Sure! Bible says so. It's the sin of Adam.
LARGE LARRY: Good. How is that sin passed on?
BULLET: From one generation to another. That's why we got sex.
LARGE LARRY: Huh? Oh, okay. Close enough. But on your thinking, how would Jesus be free of sin if his mother weren't somehow preserved from the stain of original sin?
BULLET: Cause she was a virgin. She didn't have no sex with Joseph.
LARGE LARRY: What does sex have to do with being free of sin?
BULLET: Cause sex and havin' babies is punishment for sin.
LARGE LARRY: Have you read the story of Adam and Eve very carefully?
BULLET: At least I don't gotta confess my sins to no priest!
LARGE LARRY: Arrrrrgh!
Such dialogues are not at all uncommon here. In fact, they're the norm. They are frustrating, and most Catholic convicts who evangelize have been tempted to commit murder, but God's grace has always been sufficient to restrain us.
Having become a Catholic here in prison, I can only imagine what it is like to evangelize where you are reading these words. I have no idea what challenges lie on the other side of the razor wire, but there is one thing I do know. I know that the Holy Spirit is pouring out conversion graces more freely than ever. The evidence is in what is happening at the bottom of society's barrel.
Converts are coming to the Church in record numbers all across America. Here in Alabama, we began in 1988 with a priest, a Catholic, and two catechumens. This apostolate has since produced nearly 100 converts, branched out into two other prisons, produced converts who teach and evangelize in their parishes, and produced one convert who leads a national prison apostolate.
Ours is not a particularly exceptional apostolate. It is mu
ch closer to the norm than you might think (at least for prisons). Despite all of the frustrations and disappointments that come from working with Fundamentalists (especially those who speak Dixie-ese), it is still fun, exciting, and rewarding.
BULLET: What's Dixie-ese and 'pologetics got to do with worshipin' May-ree?
LARGE LARRY: Our Lady, Seat of Wisdom, pray for us. [Big sigh.]
Russell L. Ford, a convert to Catholicism, freelances from behind bars in Alabama.
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