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QUESTION:
Should I move in with my boyfriend before we get married? It seems like a smart move, because you want to really know a person before you commit to life together.
ANSWER:
Most cohabiting couples who hope to marry see their arrangement as a good test run, a way to make sure that they're compatible before tying the knot. After all, who wants to go through a divorce?
Aside from all of the spiritual factors regarding premarital sex, let's take a look at what researchers have found about living together before marriage. Two researchers summarized the findings of numerous studies by stating that "expectation of a positive relationship between cohabitation and marital stability . . . has been shattered in recent years by studies conducted in several Western countries."i
What the studies discovered is this: if you don't want to get divorced, don't move in until after the wedding. Why is that? Consider the following facts about cohabitation: Most couples who live together never end up getting married, but those who do tie the knot are almost twice as likely to divorce as couples who don't live together before marriage.ii Overall, the divorce rate of cohabiting couples is about eighty percent,iii and non-virgin brides are sixty percent more likely to end up divorced than women who enter marriage as virgins.iv Couples who cohabited prior to marriage have greater marital conflict and poorer communication, and they made more frequent visits to marriage counselors.v Women who cohabited before marriage are more than three times as likely to cheat on their husbands within marriage.vi The US Justice Department found that women who cohabit are sixty-two times more likely to be assaulted by a live-in boyfriend than by a husband.vii They were also more than three times as likely to be depressed as married women,viii and the couples were less sexually satisfied than those who waited for marriage.ix
So, from a standpoint of marital duration, marital peace, marital fidelity, physical safety, emotional well-being, and sexual satisfaction, cohabitation isn't exactly a recipe for happiness. Even USA Today reported, "Could this be true love? Test it with courtship, not cohabitation."x You may assume that if the couple had lived together a bit longer, they would have ironed out the difficulties and not had these problems in marriage. The studies show the opposite: longer cohabitations are associated with a higher likelihood of divorce.xi Now, even if you don't think that your boyfriend would be abusive or that you would get depressed, the divorce rate speaks for itself.
Like all of us, you dream of a lasting love. If you're serious about making this relationship work, save your marriage before it starts and don't move in until after the wedding.
i William G. Axinn and Arland Thornton, "The Relation Between Cohabitation and Divorce: Selectivity or Casual Influence?" Demography 29, 1992, 357-374. As quoted in Why Marriage Matters, p. 57.
ii Bumpass and Sweet 1995; Hall and Zhao 1995) As quoted in focus on the Family brochure "Five reasons you need a 'piece of paper.'"
iii Kim Camplisson, "Celebrating Christian Marriage," The Southern Cross, April 26, 2001, 8.
iv National Survey of Family Growth, Dr. Kahn, Dr. London. As reported at www.members.aol.com/cohabiting/soc.htm.
v Elizabeth Thompson and Ugo Colella, "Cohabitation and Marital Stability: Quality or Comiitment?" Journal of Marriage and the Family 54, 1992, 263. As quoted in Why Marriage Matters, p. 57.; John D. Cunningham and John K. Antill, "Cohabitation and Marriage: Retrospective and Predictive Consequences," Journal of Social and Personal Relationships 11, 1994, 90. As quoted in Why Marriage Matters, p. 58.
vi Tanfer, Koray, and Forste, Renata. "Sexual Exclusivity Among Dating, Cohabiting, and Married Women," Journal of Marriage and Family, February 1996, 33-47. As quoted in Five reasons you need the "Piece of Paper" Focus on the Family, 2000.
vii Colson, 1995, as quoted in Five reasons you need the "Piece of Paper" Focus on the Family, 2000 .
viii Lee Robins and Darrell Regier, Psychiatric Disorders in America: The Epidemiologic Catchment Area Study (New York: Free Press, 1991), p. 64. As quoted in Why Marriage Matters, p. 66-67.
ix Hering 1994:4, as quoted in Five reasons you need the "Piece of Paper" Focus on the Family, 2000 .
x William Mattox, Jr, "Could This be True Love? Test it with Courtship, not Cohabitation," USA Today, Arlington; Feb 10, 2000.
xi Elizabeth Thompson and Ugo Colella, 1992, p. 266. As quoted in Why Marriage Matters, p. 57.
This question and answer taken from Jason Evert's book If You Really Loved Me. For more great chastity Q & As, order your copy of his book today.
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