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QUESTION:
If you're on a date and things are going too far, how do you stop suddenly and tell him "no"?
ANSWER:
Most situations of impurity can be avoided if you think ahead and avoid people and places that are likely to endanger your purity. But if you're already in a situation where you need to cool it off, there are a number of things you can say. Everyone seems to recommend different refusal approaches.
For starters, don't underestimate the direct approach: Simply saying "We need to stop-we're going too far" may do the trick, especially if it's already understood that you're committed to chastity. Include yourself as well as him-say "We need to stop" instead of "You need to stop"-to indicate that you aren't blaming him, just putting on the brakes. This may be hard, but consider it a learning experience so that you don't let things get to that point again.
On the other hand, some prefer the humorous approach: "Here's fifty cents. Call my dad, and if he says it's okay for us to do what you want, then I'll do it." Or, "You've got protection? Good. You're going to need it if you don't get your hands off me." And then there's "Everyone's doing it? Then you shouldn't have trouble finding someone else."
These may be entertaining but I don't know how realistic they are. It might be more practical to give him a compliment (guys love that), such as, "I really like you, and I have so much fun when we're together, but this is the kind of stuff I want to save for marriage." Also, feel free to blame your parents for your decision: "My mom would kill me if she ever found out we were doing this. I need to cool off."
Another reason to skip the humorous approach is that this is not a time for jokes, but for witnessing to the truth of love. Be humble but clear, confident, and firm, and see this as a teachable moment. Use a verbal "no" and a "no" with your body language. If you are lying with him on a couch and whispering a half-hearted "no," he probably won't take you seriously, since you don't take your commitment to purity seriously. Also, when a girl is unable to say no, she's less attractive. One person described a "deadness" in girls' demeanor, "that comes from inauthenicity, from giving away too much," from not knowing how to set limits and having the character to stand by them.i To avoid this "deadness," pray to God for the strength to maintain and grow in your purity.
Even if you don't convince your date to live purely in his own life, that's okay. It's more important that you do what is right than it is for you to convince another. You shouldn't have to play the chastity cop. In fact, both people in a relationship should be mutually accountable. The responsibility to blow the whistle shouldn't rest entirely on one person. Also, you don't owe your date a thirty-minute presentation on why chastity is important to you, and you certainly don't owe him sexual favors. If he doesn't accept a simple "no," then he doesn't love you.
Let the guy go, and look for a man who knows how to honor a woman. Most important, do not be afraid. One teenage girl wrote to me and said, "I really like him, but I don't know why I have sex, like sometimes I am scared to say no." There are worse things in the world than not being asked out again by a guy who only loves himself. If he dumps you over this, then he did not deserve your attention to begin with. Could this be embarrassing? Perhaps. But regret lasts much longer than embarrassment.
It also might not be embarrassing at all. One high school girl said to me, "I know a lot of guys who act like they want sex just because they think they have to think that. But really, on the inside they aren't like that at all." Sometimes it's a relief for a guy when a girl is clear about her boundaries and has strong values. It may take the pressure off a guy who assumes that you expect him to act like the rest of the guys. The numerous stories of sexual conquests that guys overhear in the locker room may make good guys think that they're less of a man if they don't try to go as far with a woman as their classmates have. Men are sometimes afraid that a woman will think them unmanly or reject them if the men don't try to have sex with them. Your date may be trying to go too far with you in order to avoid appearing less of a man. Your character will serve to remind him of real manhood.
If it is too difficult to say 'no' because the temptation is so strong, remember that you have the ability to tell your body what to do. It will obey you. If a couple were having sex and their house caught on fire, do you think they would say, "Oh no! We can't say no to sex. We're going to die!"? Or do you think they would they stop their actions-no matter how intimate and exciting-and save their lives? In the same way, remember that you have the capacity to sacrifice the pleasures of the moment for a greater good-to save your spiritual life.
When things are going too far, value yourself enough to say no. Unfortunately, many young women use physical intimacy as a way of giving themselves value. The embraces feel like an affirmation of their worth, and perhaps because of mistakes they've made in the past, they don't understand the tremendous value of their bodies. Your purity is a treasure, so have the confidence to respect yourself. When the two of you work to preserve purity, it will keep an element of mystery and excitement in your relationship that is lost when couples don't bother to keep anything secret and sacred.
i Shalit, op. cit., p. 57.
This question and answer taken from Jason Evert's book If You Really Loved Me. For more great chastity Q & As, order your copy of his book today.
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